unFriended All-Stars

6 Must-Do Tweaks for New Facebook Timeline

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 11:57:00 -0500

6 Must-Do Tweaks for New Facebook Timeline:

The new Facebook Timeline will give someone a better feel for who a Facebook user is. The newest layout for the ever-changing Facebook (sort of like Britney Spears’s marital status) features a Tumblr-esque rolling view of a user’s history, everything from pictures posted to past status updates (and who can forget a good ‘poke’?). Although these were possible to find by consistently scrolling down someone’s Facebook wall, and even then your findings were incomplete, the infinite scrolling feature will make digging into someone’s history far simpler.

As much as this new design will aid me in getting a feel for future UFAS, here is a good preparation article to help hide Ghosts of Facebook Past. I do not personally believe in hiding embarrassing posts and pictures. My belief is that you should not be doing things that you may not be proud of, and if you do, to own them like an adult. If you do not realize the severity of putting words and pictures on the Internet, maybe you are not responsible enough to be on a social networking site. Very similarly, my youngest sister cannot handle an iPhone for a whole month without breaking it, so getting an expensive BMW as a first car may not be the smartest decision my parents ever made. The only times I hide posts are when others post things on my wall that I do not approve of or when I have multiple posts of a similar topic, and I simply wish to remove the ‘clutter’ on my wall. However, many of you will still wish to hide cute, silly updates from an old relationship or that article about how to prepare for anal sex that you shared in college which you would not wish for your peers to find (no one wants to go back to being called Anal Andy). Check out this article to help hide the real, ridiculous you!

These are not the only reasons I will unFriend someone, but...

Thu, 15 Dec 2011 13:01:54 -0500

These are not the only reasons I will unFriend someone, but they are certainly contributing factors.

Derek Chen: Asian, Armed, & Dangerous

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 11:36:00 -0500

I am worried that this week’s UFAS might noogie me before gunning me down with an m60 assault rifle. I have not spoken to this young man since my freshman year of college when I was checking in on him via Facebook. Since then, I suppose he picked up a few issues of Men’s Fitness and linked up with some bros. Today he is a jacked up dude with a new-found disrespect for women. Derek Chen: sick traps, bro, but they will not be enough to keep you on my Friends list!

Watch out Mike Sorrentino! It’s the SituAsian!

I met Derek Chen in my senior year at boarding school. He was a sophomore on my wing in the dormitory. Derek was a shy kid and usually kept to his bedroom or the wing’s lounge, where there was an XBox 360. At this point, you may insert whichever stereotypical Asian joke regarding video games and anti-social behavior that you prefer (in writing this post, I put that there just for placement…then I failed to come up with one of my own so I leave it to my viewer, in a very David Chase way, to figure it out). He was a scrawny recluse with a troubled soul. Confronting him to clean his room for inspection or to get out of bed in the morning were potentially-hostile tasks. Why was I pretending to be his mother, you ask? At my school, the seniors were in charge of keeping the underclassmen in line, which included room inspection, wake-up, and keeping them from committing hate crimes during study hall. We had to exhibit concern for others and leadership over a school as seniors. That is a lot to lay on kids still figuring out how to trim their pubic hair properly.

Derek was an angry kid. He wrestled, which was probably an excellent place for him to get his anger out. I even remember one time, towards the end of the school year, he was so pissed at nothing that he just punched a hole in his closet door. Senioritis at most schools involves ignoring your homework and writing, “DOUCHEBAG,” on the chalkboard. Senioritis at my school meant saying, “I don’t give a shit about your life anymore!” So I called over a Junior and made him deal with it.

I have not spoken to Derek since the Fall of 2007 when our Facebook friendship began. Today, he is a completely different person. And it is this new, douchey “prophet of Brosciencetology” that I am unFriending this week. I mean, he is the type of idiot that woudl be a fan of both “I Delete FB Friends Who Use the F Word or N Word In Their Posts” as well as Letting Someone Know They’re A Cunt By Shouting ‘Cunt’ At The Cunt. That is like saying, “Everyone deserves equal rights no matter their skin color, religion, or sexual orientation. O yea, Maria! Yea, go make me a sandwich, you stupid bitch.” There are several reasons why the fakest of friendships with the fakest of self-esteems is ending today.

He is the one and only follower of the seemingly new “Brosciencetology”. Many religions have their core philosophies. Christianity’s is, “turn the other cheek” (or “God hates fags”, depending on which translation you use). Judaism’s is, “Certainly! What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. That is the Torah.” Brosciencetology teaches, “talk shit, get hit.” I bought some protective headwear.
Derek has many normal favorite activities, such as running, eating, sleeping, and Novak Djokovic. However, he also enjoys sexual harassment, failing (and, simultaneously, succeeding), cheating, and killing orphans. I am really not into those activities, since although I am kind of a jerk, I think killing orphans is where I draw the line. I prefer Making Fun of Orphans instead (yea, that is a Facebook page, but ‘Billy Procida’ is not…anyone else see a problem with this world?).
He enjoys Thermogenics. I do not like that, because I do not know what that is, and that intimidates me. I also was not aware that bros knew anything that began with ‘thermo-’ or ended in ‘-genics’.

Derek was an average-to-underweight guy. Now he is “shredded”, as the sick bros would call it. Guys at the gym refer to their muscle-toned bodies and six-pack abs as “shredded”, “ripped”, and “cut up”. Why do bodybuilders refer to their perfectly sculpted bodies with words that describe something ruined? Are they maybe just describing their souls? “Yea man, my quads are so ripped and cut up right now. I can’t even feel the love of my father anymore.” This explains why all of his favorite athletes are body builders. He is a fan of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronnie Coleman, Dexter Jackson, and…Squirtle, from Pokémon. Blastoise, the jacked-up evolution of puny Squirtle, I thought, fit in better with the group. But I understand why Derek loves the teal-colored creature. Derek’s personal journey to HGH-fueled douchiness runs parallel to Pokémon #007. Squirtle got its ass kicked enough in battles to evolve into the second-level of his evolution tree that no one ever cared about, before harnessing that inner-rage to obtain two blast-cannons when it transforms into Blastoise. What I am trying to say is, somebody should check Chen’s closet for military-grade weaponry.

Facebook calls these ‘Athletes’. I say these are guys who need extra hobbies. At least Squirtle actually competed in Pokémon Stadium.

Might Derek be a sweet sick gnarly awesome bro-tastic addition to your Friends list? Tap the keg and send the friend request. You two can fist-bump each other while you DP a confused college co-ed after spotting each other at the gym.

Do you like video games? You can get your headset on and play with Derek online, joining him in calling small children “cocksucking cunt-rags”. He loves games such as Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, Call of Duty: Black Ops Zombies, Battlefield: Bad Company, and Angry Birds. All of them shoot ‘em ups, although only one of them is absolutely adorable.
Do you like Chinese food? O boy, he might be able to hook you up with some free eggrolls. He is the manager/ninja warrior gatekeeper of Sun Sun Chinese Restaurant. I do not enjoy doing racially stereotypical jokes, but Derek is making it intensely difficult. So instead of making a joke about Chinese accents and Chinese restaurants, I will simply state that it would not surprise me if Derek can’t drive.
Amongst his favorite activities, Derek lists ‘Being an Asshole’. This one I actually like and I think this would bond the two of us. Then again, there is usually only room for one asshole in a gang or a threesome, and that spot is reserved for me. If you need a friend to point out the fat chick, and you have enough chubby white guys in your crew, Derek is a great fit for you!

Derek lets everyone know that “most things I say must be taken with a bucket of salt.” I have chosen to take his profile with a ton of kosher salt. I am all out of salt and now I have none left for my french fries (I will have to just sprinkle them with the tears from overusing Weight Watchers points). If you have enough salt for his friendship, add him. Me? I gave him 4 years of funny status updates, comedy show invites, and posted photos with other Hyde acquaintances. He was too busy lifting weights and studying the ways of the Bro (I imagine that involves observing college tailgating parties and taking notes on the physics of kegstands). Derek, be careful with the steroids. Your rage is bad enough as is. There is no need for another Virginia Tech-type shooting to trick people into being scared of Asian kids. Yes, Derek, yes we do.

Friend Count: 1076

Woman Burns Friend's House Down After Being unFriended

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 12:30:03 -0500

Woman Burns Friend's House Down After Being unFriended:

I recently stocked up on fire extinguishers.

Kareem Youngblood: Varying Fashionista

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 13:12:00 -0500

This week’s unFriended All-Star comes from the Hause of Bloodline. This fashion-forward, GaGa-esque, young black entrepreneur has been too busy designing moronic sunglasses than to be participating on my Facebook wall. This stepping Brooklynite designer was a one-hit wonder in the friendship department. He has since moved over to the Accessories Department. Kareem Youngblood, you’ve got too much style for my Friends list. You’re making me look bad!

Kareem’s hair is mixed-race: 1/2 Chris Brown, 1/2 prison inmate

I am forced to recall the story of our digital bond because our friendship page is literally blank. You know it is time to unFriend someone when even Facebook tells you, “Yea, we have no idea why you two are together.” Back in January, I was feeling poor (as opposed to now, where my wallet shares the same feeling) and decided to do what any lazy loose-morals college student does: prowl Craigslist for something besides a happy ending massage. I stumbled upon an unpaid gig, though. Kareem’s post was looking for men to join a step team to record videos for a new website. For the white and Indian people: step is an amalgamation of dance and percussive bitchfits. Lots of stomping, clapping, slapping your body, yelling, then going on stage. I was on the NYU step team for 3 years. I think they were just trying to maintain their white boy quota, but I was a decent stepper. White enough to make sure they still get funding from the school; not too white to get us laughed out of competitions. Kareem friend requested me so he could see a video of me stepping. I never heard back from him. I guess I did not make the team.

Clothes from Kareem’s “Bloodline” clothing line have been worn by hosts on BET, but he did not always want to be a(n oddly obsolete) fashion designer. On his very professional website, Kareem writes, “At 7, I wanted to be a doctor, a dentist, and a stripper.” All of those are big moneymaking professions, although only one of these will not be deincentivised by the United States government in the next decade. Sorry, Dr. Goldbergstein, but you may want to invest in some pole dance lessons. In college he majored in psychology. Then he switched to legal studies. Then he switched to education. Then he went to his second class. I suppose he was giving everything the ol’ college try.

This is not the only inconsistency Kareem shows. Mamma always taught me, “Never trust a man whose haircut changes more often than Marc Maron’s facial hair.” Kareem has gone through many a hair-style and many of which have been quite…”fabulous”, to use bold quotation marks to enhance my already sarcastic (asshole) tone. Corn rows? Buzzed-in design? Pink-thing-that-I-know-nothing-of-except-that-my-grandfather-would-not-approve? Your hairstyle is as confused as my gut: fat, not as fat, fatter, with or without love handles. It’s like, “Make up your mind! I have to choose a shirt today!” Kareem is aware of fashion trends, which I certainly am not. However, I am worried that one day I may open up my Facebook and see this guy “birthing” out of an egg, which is not an image I would be able to get out of my mind. I already watched the most recent episode of Glee, cementing Stripper Sam Trouty-mouth into my membrane.

I was not a good enough stepper to make Kareem’s step team and Kareem is a tad flashy for my taste. But I know plenty of ladies, and select fellas, who love a fabulous Facebook friend to get frivolous fashion feedback from (try saying that one five times fast without accidentally saying, “F-f-fuck this!”). I am sure there are other fantastical (hey spellcheck, that’s a word?!) benefits to courting Kareem. Maybe he will give you a discount on a pair of his designer sunglasses, make it what he calls a “done deal dot com”. Have you seen these glasses? They are expensive, which means that they are sure to be spectacularly useless spectacles. If you enjoy walking into walls, but looking amazing while you do it, these are for you. Check them out!

These are more useless as an accessory than Lady GaGa’s condom dress. At least with the dress, GaGa will always be able to put a raincoat on her massive penis.

Kareem is also a good friend for you young hustlers out there. He is the founder of Young Black Moguls. Kareem’s theory is that the key to success is interdependence, working together as a group or team towards mutual success. I think it is admirable that Kareem wants to create a solid core of artists and entrepreneurs to aid each other in climbing their way to the top. I, myself, am no one to criticize his business plan. I have to troll Craigslist in the Gigs section, as well as softcore ‘m4m generous’ posts in the Personals section, just to be able to afford to buy unhealthy amounts of fried chicken late at night. Self-loathing is expensive.

This week’s UFAS is also a noble humanitarian. He works as a health educator for Love Heals, an AIDS awareness organization. For over 4 years, he has been teaching young men and women about sexual health and encouraging people to make themselves aware of their HIV statuses (do those work like Facebook? Positive, Negative, It’s Complicated?). Kareem is a giving individual. He enjoys helping others and enjoys making money doing what he (loves that week). Nearly all of his pictures capture him with a giant grin on his face. I am sure he is a fun fella, but I would not know, since I have never actually met him in real life. Kareem is an example of a forgotten failed friendship. We became Facebook friends for a particular purpose. When that purpose was not fulfilled, there was no severing of the Facebook ties, and so we continued to grant access to each other’s pages. So I decided it was time to end this, once and for all, now that I have taken the gigantic vision-impairing glasses off. If you want to put them on, friend him!

The following video put the kabbash on the issue for me. From Youngblood’s YouTube page, this 17-minute nonsensical ramble confuses and concerns me. Out of his 13 views, 8 of them were me trying to interpret the strange sounds coming out of his mouth. I am not entirely confident in his sanity, so I am going to cut him off before he uses my home address to go insane with a butcher knife. I feel like the police would find me with ecstasy in my system and a neon green baby pacifier in my mouth. Kareem Youngblood: I have no idea what the fuck you are mumbling about, and it freaks me out. It is like watching Pootie Tang without Chris Rock playing multiple characters and getting attacked by a gorilla. You have been unFriended!

Friend Count: 1076

CeCe Coppedge: Nihilistic Nuisance

Sun, 27 Nov 2011 12:18:00 -0500

I found what must be a descendant of the ancient Narcissus in my Friends list this week…or I just found a chick who is incredibly vain. This week’s UFAS thinks very highly of herself to the point that she thinks she is above Facebook (poppycock, I know!). She hardly ever uses it and admits that the only thing that tempts her back are silly game applications such as Family Feud, Wheel of Fortune, and other game shows-turned-shitty game applications that my grandmother watches. Her rare usage of social media makes her a prime example of a useless Facebook friend. CeCe Coppedge, if you would stop staring at your own reflection for a second, you would know that you have been unFriended! If you did not understand that allusion, you now know that you needed to pay more attention in class in high school!

This is both her Caring and Not Caring face.

I went to high school with CeCe for a couple of years, where the faculty knew her as Courtney. She preferred that we called her ‘CeCe’. She also preferred to refer to herself as ‘CeCe’. Using the 3rd person to refer to yourself is oftentimes obnoxious. I think it is just a way for special people to remember their own names. She was a discreetly bright girl (I say ‘discreetly’ because she knew she was intelligent, but not many others did), but sassy and lazy. It was very difficult for anyone to tell her what to do because she would commonly cop an attitude. It makes sense considering that her political view is quite simply, “I am the State.” I may be making leaps and bounds, but could this be an anarchistic statement? Might CeCe be a sleeper terrorist ready to organize the overthrow of the government in order to institute a Gucci-run matriarchy? Probably not. This girl is too damn lazy to organize anything but her closet.

The despicable thing about pretty people is they do not have to respect anyone— and they know it! CeCe is a tall, beautiful young woman from Brooklyn, New York. At first glance, she appears to be your average hip 21-year old student, but once you get to know her you will realize that she is a materialistic, self-centered hottie who pops her collar and criticizes people’s outfits in her spare time. Or at least that is how she frames herself to the digital population. She is a self-proclaimed narcissist, referring to herself in the third person during conversation. Normally, we view these people as full-of-themselves jerks. But to be honest, I am just happy that CeCe opened up a book and learned what a narcissist was in the first place. Maybe there was a day when she told her friend, “CeCe loves herself. CeCe Coppedge is the baddest bitch out there and everyone else should know that I know it. If only there was a word for a person like CeCe?” I like to think that before that friend became fed up with her and left, she handed CeCe a copy of, “The Portable Nietzsche” before giving her the finger.

Attractive individuals generally think that they can do whatever they want. Think about the gorgeous women that talk themselves out of speeding tickets, the hotties willing to bitch at customer service reps to cut the line, and the babes that go on television damning the fags (=cough=Bachmann=cough=) . Lindsay Lohan is in and out of courtrooms for stealing a necklace, but will never actually go to jail. But if Susan Boyle stole that jewelry…she would be on death row.

Her infatuation with the self is one of the reasons why CeCe is a worthless Facebook friend for me. However, there are several other reasons why I have to nix this narcissist:

“About CeCe: don’t tell me your problems.” I thought that was what fake friends were for: complaining about something you do not care about or informing me of your recent accomplishments that I will take as an insecure form of bragging to prove that you are not still a loser after college.
CeCe’s number one activity is Complaining. I was not sure how active complaining is, but since Quidditch has become a bonafide ‘sport’, I am sure complaining is about 7 years from becoming an Olympic event.
Why must women take pictures of food they are about to eat and post them to Facebook? CoCo, a name I think is way more appropriate for Courtney, in her glorious return to the Zuckerberg-run medium has begun posting dinner set-ups and pictures of tasty food for us fat people to slobber over. Why? Are you starting a restaurant? Are you training to take pictures of french fries to be featured in cheap fried chicken joints in poor neighborhoods around the country? Then stop taking pictures of your food. I would only be impressed by these pictures if they were taken by an anorexic chick to show us what she turned down that day. “You denied yourself a brownie cannoli covered in chocolate syrup? Wow, you really do have ‘self-control’!”
Ladies, all you do by posting these is let guys know that you know how to cook, which will at least let a guy know that you know some dope Pinterest recipes.

I hate people that need all of the attention. If everyone is paying attention to your shenanigans, how will anyone look at me?! It was not uncommon for CeCe to find a way to make an incident all about her, even if it were negative attention. At a track meet, she made such a fuss about running the 800m run, a two-lap race, that she made a joke out of it. She is barely moving before she finished her first lap! Now if we told her that a sale was about to end and that she could go as soon as she finished, she would have busted her ass. Note the popped-collar shirt under her singlet. I guess that is the latest fashion trend for the halfhearted?

Courtney took some time off from Facebooking. A girl with only 316 friends needs some welcoming back to social media addiction. Me? I am not an enabler, except when I force alcoholics to relapse at bars (if you can’t do a shot with me, you’re a pussy). Many of you should friend request her. I would say to “show her some love”, but this girl has so much love, her mother said, “I love you,” and she replied, “Don’t bother. I’ve got plenty.” While CeCe has been busy fawning over herself, she has forgotten to show love to me online. No Facebook comments, no retweets, and no naked pictures. Courtney has taken me for granted as a fake friend. So it is time to say goodbye to a girl who is not even listening. CeCe, BiBi is done with this and is sending you up to Mt. UFAS to rule with the other unFriended All-Star Gods!

Friend Count: 1079

Adam Toback, although not enjoying my unFriended All-Stars, has...

Thu, 27 Oct 2011 12:19:00 -0400

Adam Toback, although not enjoying my unFriended All-Stars, has embraced the unFriending spirit to create his own set of castaways and apparently I am the team captain! I am glad that Adam has taken the message of this blog to heart by deleting me as a Facebook friend. Not just because we rarely speak (it has been about 2 or 3 years) but because he disagrees with my posts that show up on his newsfeed. Kudos to you, Adam!

I encourage anyone else that does not see the point in keeping me around as a mere digital acquaintance to delete me from their Friends list, too! But first, let me know why! Post on my wall your qualms, your disagreements, your ire, then click that magical ‘delete’ button!

While you are at it, if you do not like me, you might like Adam Toback! So give him a shout since he might need someone to fill in my old space.

Friend Count: 1073

Nicole Montes: Wholesome Yogi

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 13:08:21 -0400

unFriended All-Stars is back and we (I) return with a profile that makes me want to vomit. She is just that adorable! Many of us know that guy or girl who is such an awesome person: they volunteer, smile a lot with their friends, are in a committed long-term relationship, and love grandma. Many of us heathens hate that person just as much as we admire them. This week’s UFAS is one of those disgustingly admirable individuals. Nicole Montes: a fall from Grace is necessary, if Grace is my Friends list…or a cliff.

Stretching? Yoga? The Kama Sutra calls this one the Folded Deck Chair.

How do we sum up Nicole Montes? She does it best herself in her About Me: “My name is Nicole. I am a New Yorker, a yogi, a woman, a dog owner, a cyclist, a lover of good food, wine, babies and dogs.” How precious, right? So sweet, it gives me diabetes and a purple left foot. Scrolling through her pictures (and by scroll, I mean awkwardly clicking whichever button that Mark Zuckerburg decides is the one that moves pictures that week), it is just one smiling photo after another. She reinforces how few smiles I perform in a day, making me look at my razor in a different way.

I met Nicole through a mutual friend of ours. The two of them were both studying theater in Tisch, which is not quite studying, but rather just playing make-believe for four years. She majored in Acting and Psychology which are both majors you begin to reconsider when you wait tables after graduation. Yet the food service industry did not drag Nicole into its depths. She is, in fact, a yoga instructor, a ‘yogi’, which sounds like someone who should be predicting the future or stealing sandwiches from humans in Yellowstone National Park. She is a workshop and event coordinator at Yoga Works here in New York. Yoga is a fast-growing trend and a new form of (pretending to be) working out for many people of all genders and sexual identities. I will however tell you who is not doing yoga: overweight straight men. As accepting as it is to carry a yoga mat onto the subway, many fat men would rather wear just their underwear on the A train than face the embarrassment that comes with carrying that mat in public. We know that we cannot do those poses. We know that you know that we cannot do those poses. Our bodies were not made for that (or a combination of apathy and McDonald’s do not allow for that). Think about how rough it is being there as a big dude: I’m in shorts and a t-shirt when everyone else is wearing something tighter. My love handles are flowing over the waistband of my sweatpants. I cannot do the relaxation pose and I am even less relaxed because the hot chick behind me just had to smell my fart while we were doing the downward dog. The only reason a fat guy would want to go to yoga is if he were a masochist that really enjoyed getting picked on during gym class as a kid.

I am totally okay with yoga existing, do not get me wrong. So long as it does not try to trick us into thinking it is a sport. We all saw the disaster that happened with cheerleading, except with yoga, the girls are not nearly as slutty. There are yoga competitions where people from around the world get together and do poses (go to minute 2:56 to really bug out). It is like a cheerleading routine meets a floor gymnastics routine subtracting the promiscuity and any excitement.

Anyone else want to begin an eating disorder with me? I feel like she douches after unprotected sex to avoid extra calories.

However, Nicole loves good food and cooking. She is often photographed with delicious treats and snacks. I do not need to see pictures of you being slim and enjoying massive scoops of ice cream when I have to be paranoid every time I eat a Ritz cracker!

Who is this happy eating? When I eat, I wear a face of self-hatred & regret.

There are many reasons to stay friends with this upbeat pile of sunshine, but some of those reason are why I have to cut her. Let us take a look at how uplifting of a person she is…and why I just cannot stand it any longer!

I should want to become better friends with Nicole, as a slightly chubby guy myself. She will keep you in shape. She is a fan of the Wii Fit, a device that tricks video game users into thinking they are healthy and tricks healthy people into playing a video game. One of her favorite outdoor games is “playing fetch with Pumpkin”, which could be either playing with her dog or making her boyfriend run around town getting her things. Regardless, she is an active gal.
Deviants and degenerates need not apply for this friendship. This girl is just too wholesome for us. This nice Christian girl likes babies, snow, guacamole, and one of the thousands of pages dedicated to Love. She also likes New York City, as do I. We both appreciate one of the best cities in the world to see homeless people pee in subway cars.
She likes DailyPuppy, FunnyFur, Friends, Christmas, and the movie Titanic. When she has an orgasm, stuffed animals come to life and unicorns sing the Boy Meets World theme song.
Nicole seems to only have one political view: “Government regulation to improve the quality of American food and reduce obesity.” Economic collapse and Occupy Wall Street? Health care reform? Illegal immigration? The NBA Lockout? No, this country has bigger, well, literally bigger problems: fat people.

At least Nicole chose a cause to get behind. Everyone should pick a charity or organization to support so it appears that you have a heart. Mine is the fight for equal rights for my fag friends, because the way I see it, if we let government butt into gay people’s sex lives, soon they’ll be butting into my sex life. And with the amount of strange things I get myself involved in, that will not stand! This causes me to not have enough time for another charitable cause. A girl on my street corner the other day was collecting money to help kids beat cancer. I did not donate, because earlier that day, I called my bookie and I put a thousand dollars on cancer. Get offended all you want…those kids are still probably going to die. Being offended at my joke is not going to statistically improve their chances. You should probably just go donate money and keep reading.

This Facebook friendship had potential; it did. We were sort of friends at first. We went out and got drunk together with our mutual friends, but the connection soon proved to be a sham. The whole of our online friendship is summed up by a group picture that we are both in and a brief exchange of comments asking about a comedy show of mine that she failed to attend. If you have read me enough, you know that the easiest way into my heart is attending one of my comedy shows (buy your tickets now…once I get booked for something). I have not heard from her in a year or two so it is time to end this smoothly and silently.

There is another very important reason, however, why we should not be friends: I am a mildly depressed, cynical, sarcastic, hedonistic atheist who cuts people down and dislikes kittens. The amount of happy endings I have received alone would be enough to outweigh all of the positive vibes that our ray of sunshine here can output. This girl smiles a lot and believes that as hard as things can be, it gets better. I search Craigslist for a quality bukkake get-together that does not involve a BBW and rather a HWP SF with a very open-minded boyfriend in Brooklyn. On the other hand, the amount of adorable that this girl’s profile exudes makes me want to throw up the fried chicken I just engulfed. Seriously, these are her activities listed: yoga, biking, travel, theatre (the pretentious “-re” one, not the one that reads as it sounds), running, dancing, playing in the snow, having meaningful conversations, playing with dogs, and exploring New York. Get me a vomit bag, Jesus! Get risky. Experiment a little. Steal something from a bodega. Eat expired food. Join a fetish website and have lunch with an obese chick from there in Kimmel when you realize she is a freak that gets off on scenes from the Saw franchise. Is anyone else a little grossed out by the cuteness? Maybe I am the only one, but I want friends that can be just as depressed as I am from time to time so that I do not feel like the only nutjob!

Now I am getting worked up and am going to have to either eat something or masturbate to calm myself down. Nicole, you’re out. Go be sweet and adorable…and friendly, and kind, and a nice person, and a good friend, and a loving girlfriend…go do that somewhere else. I do not want to see updates about it all over my News Feed. I just cannot handle it. Readers, maybe you can. If you need a ray of hope and optimism in your life, talk to Nicole. I am sure she will greet you as a friend. But for me, today she becomes an unFriend. This wholesome yogi somehow juxtaposes against me so much, it is making me think less of myself than usual. I need to go listen to a Marc Maron album.

Friend Count: 1075

When Facebook Meets Hoarders

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 13:57:16 -0400

Ever think to yourself, “Wow, who are these 3,000 friends of mine on Facebook?” I did. I thought to myself, “There is no way I am this popular.” Why would so many people want to be friends with me? I am kind of an asshole, I am needy, and my love handles can throw off any group photo’s composition. I simply have too many friends on Facebook that I do not actually know and this Pokemon-esque “gotta catch ‘em all” style of hoarding friends has elevated to a level of irresponsiblity. It is not far off from the olden days of MySpace where 300,000 friends gave a person bragging rights on the Internet. Today, the bragging is so post-modern, it’s about how many friends you have that you do not even know that makes you the champ in conversation.

Why do we have these random, nearly-anonymous Facebook acquaintances? What would the genesis be? What purposes do they serve? In my professional opinion, and by ‘professional’, I mean that I have a Bachelors of Science degree in Media & Communications, there are three groups that you can cut up your Friends list into. First, there are your friends in real life that you also interact with online. The digital connection supplements your real life friendship. You hang out with them on the weekends, you text them throughout the day, and you had the hots for their camp friend (or in one case, their mother).

Then, there are your Facebook friends. You may never really hang out with them or you may have taken a class together during freshman year. They help you pick a headshot by commenting on your pictures, although you would not care about their opinion outside of’ ‘the matrix. They prove their utility as Facebook friends through ‘liking’ your statuses and following you on Twitter. These ‘Friends’ are not quite friends, yet your interaction through the monstrous social medium of Facebook keeps the bond ostensibly tight.

These first two groups often overlap, yet both are fine to have. However, there is a third cluster of useless online buddies. You either went to school with them 10 years ago and have not seen them since, or you received a random friend request from a hot blonde with no profile information (whom your gut tells you is a spambot) and clicked ‘Accept’. So many people friend request whomever for no good reason other than to keep tabs on that past acquaintence. What many do not seem to realize is that people are now able to keep tabs on you, too. Every person you click ‘accept’ from, your 4th grade crush, the homeless guy on Broadway & Astor Place, you grant them access to all of your personal information, your pictures, your image. There’s no need for the average person to hold on to these connections, and many do not understand the consequences of letting these strangers into your semi-private world.

We already deal in an age of limited privacy, where corporations use information from our online profiles to more effectively advertise to us. Facebook, as well as other social media giants, knows more about us and our habits than many of our own best friends. Hidden third party companies know your interests, where you live, and which adult websites are stored in your ‘cookies’. Every time you agree to play Mafia Wars, Farmville, or play that special quiz to figure out which Spice Girl you are (oddly, I’m Posh), a company is allowed to use your web history, profile information, and in some situations, your pictures.

Facebook has given its users a plethora of privacy settings to choose from. You can make your profile completely public or hermitly private. You can customize your settings to allow certain people to view certain sections of your page. So my boss can see my deep-seeded love of Pink’s discography, but I can block him from viewing the pictures in an album entitled “Beads, Boobs, and Bourben St.” With ample privacy settings, however, many users continue to choose apathy and laziness in not using those options. Yet many want to become a victim when their profiles and online identities are misused and pictures are found in unsuspected places.

Pictures from my youngest sister’s Facebook profile were found on several pro-anorexia/pro-bulimia blogs, posted by people as ‘thinspiration’ pictures. Those images were obtained from her profile without her explicit permission. However, her lax privacy settings (and the still-vague laws regarding the Internet and content ownership) served as implicit permission for them to be copied, pasted, and posted. So I showed no pity when she was upset about those photos from the beach surfacing up on an eating disorder blog. Similarly, I have little pity for the ladies whose images show up on blogs such as Girl-Camera-Mirror, where pictures are submitted of young girls that take their own sexy pictures using a mirror and an iPhone (and a lack of self-esteem).

If you are going to be embarrassed about what you post online, be sure to keep track of who you are allowing access. It is time to clean house. Either do some purging (of your Friends list; I am not pro-mia) or learn how to use your privacy settings. Quit blaming Mark Zuckerberg for turning the site into a stalker’s playland and defend your image by protecting it.

There has been some backlash recently, mainly from a few of the UFAS. I have always been willing to...

Sat, 01 Oct 2011 18:25:20 -0400

There has been some backlash recently, mainly from a few of the UFAS. I have always been willing to talk to someone about their post if they contact me. Sometimes I have been able to make changes, such as with Dana M., who calmly called me to talk about her specific issues within the post. Sometimes, I am threatened with lawsuits that do not hold water, such as with Chris B., who wanted the post down or he would sue me for slander (later, I explained that he meant ‘libel’). The saddest responses have been when parents of adults would call my parents about the blog. It is sad, because my parents did not write the posts; I did. And since all parties involved are over the age of 15, it is pathetic that someone’s parents would try to take care of it. So if you have a problem with me or my blog, call me. With just a little bit of Google magic, you can find my email, my Twitter, and my phone number (and possibly naked pictures of me). There is no need to call the local Cheif of Police, since he cannot really do much either. Be an adult and call me. To my readers, thanks for reading and keep checking in. Sorry I’ve been on hiatus, but I was driving around the country doing stand-up. I owe ya’ll some very funny unFriending.

Chris Casanova: Lackadaisical Loser

Thu, 11 Aug 2011 18:30:00 -0400

Join this week’s unFriended All-Star and over 1 million others in Not Giving a Fuuck on Facebook. I seriously am shocked that pages like these exist, especially that only a million people ‘like’ it, because I believe that there are well over a million people that don’t give a ‘fuuck’ about spelling. The ‘About’ of this page properly describes this week’s UFAS: “Do you have a certain someone in your life who is stressing you out or causing problems? Try not giving a fuck! It fixes everything!” Chris Casanova, you stopped giving a fuck about this Facebook friendship a long time ago. Like your parents did/should, I am kicking you out to be on your own!

Yea, I saw his middle finger way more often than I ever saw his work ethic.

Chris is a young man-boy living the high life in Ventura, California. This New York City native jumped ship recently to try out the other coast. By the looks of him now, I would not be surprised he 1967-style drove cross country in a converter van with 5 other hippies in tie-dyed t-shirts, filled with booze-filled adventures supplemented by some mind-altering substances. But I can only speculate. That is pretty cool, driving cross country, sharing amazing experiences with close friends as you see the nation. I am about to go on the road, driving across the USA…by myself. Shit. I leave on Friday and I am only now realizing how depressing and pathetic that sounds. Literally, I never thought I would be envious of a fat, often-bearded and scraggly hippie boy with a hate for authority and a love for low standards…damn you Chris.

It has been a long time since I thought of Christian (his slave name). I will spare you all the Christian name/Christian religion association jokes, as Christian Finnegan already covered that better than I ever could. I had what only a few would call “the pleasure” of meeting Christian Casanova back in the summer of 2006. I was interning the summer orientation at my boarding school, which is essentially acting as a sort-of camp counselor. I was the intern for his group for the 5 week program. He also lived on my wing. So this meant I was on Christian Patrol all day, every day. Needless to say (but I will still say it), I made Christian do many push-ups as a result (he had an affinity for swearing that he did not couple with a love for getting in shape). It was a long summer of daring to go into his disgustingly dirty room or to deal with his shitty attitude. I remember he failed inspection so much that I had to strip his room of everything except the bare essentials. After I stripped his room, it turned out I had just taken out his trash. Well played, sir. He really did not want to be there (and neither myself nor the staff wanted him to be there). It was a lose/lose/his-mom-wins-by-not-having-him-home situation.

Between Summer Challenge and the actual school year where I was considered a ‘leadership junior’ (or as the cool kids called me, a ‘tool’), I had many a confrontational interaction with Chris. I mean, the kid watched another dude pee in my laundry. There was some tension (it’s okay, because now he looks like a bum that pees on himself, so it worked out). However, I accepted Chris’s friend request early on in college because I was curious to see where this kid ended up. It turned out that he jumped from alternative private school to alternative private school. These schools specialize in students with behavioral issues, family difficulties, and/or learning disabilities (hint: Chris is not retarded). The tuition at the three schools range from $30,000 a year to $46,500 (based on this year’s numbers). So essentially, his family paid well over $100,000 for his high school education for him to hula hoop at rock concerts and not go to college. Someone should let Chris know that it is not the 1960s anymore. What used to be ‘far out’ and ‘a phase’ has turned into a growing social trend of people just being bums. It used to be ‘freedom fighter’, but today those people are just called ‘disappointments’.

Any mind-altering substances tucked underneath that headband? Probably just a whole bunch of excuses.

Jesus, what kind of son wastes that kind of money for such worthless dreams?! =insert ironic sarcasm here, because the idiots that always misread my blog will not get this joke=

This is the part where I usually beginning listing reasons why I am unFriending Mr. Free Love & Elastic Waistbands here. But it has been requested that I attempt at being more positive and explain why you should Friend him. So, uh, here it goes. His ‘Activities’ section was filled with ample reasons to add this guy to your Facebook friends list.

Who doesn’t like cash? Chris loves it, which is interesting, because he looks like someone who begs for change on the street with his homeless pit bull. Maybe Chris is trying to find his one true love and trick her into loving him for his personality (well, it is not for his looks) instead of his bank account. Or maybe he just watches a lot of rap songs and loves ‘cash money dollar dollar bills’.
Chris enjoys amusement parks. I wonder if Chris actually enjoys amusement parks as much as he enjoys getting wasted and heading to Disney Land to comment on “the cans on that 16-year old”. Of course, I am grossly generalizing amusement parks to seem like a childish activity by making it seem all amusement parks are like Disney Land. But let us be real: once you go to Disney Land, there is no other amusement park worth standing 12 hours on line for. Suck it, Six Flags.

I have to stop because this is turning out to be more hateful than when I explained why I unFriend someone. So I am just going to return to explaining why I am terminating this faux friendship. I just wanted to make a point to people who do not read my blog. Totally makes sense, right?

My big beef with both Christian and with hippies in general is laziness. I do not have space on my Facebook Friends list for unappreciative friends who will not make the extra clickable effort. How hard is it to ‘like’ a status? How much effort does it really take to research what I would like for my birthday, along with the address to which you could send my birthday present? Zero, folks. And I have not received not even as much as an obligatory Valentine’s Day card from Chris. This lazy attitude is not for me. I need friends who are going to actively interact with my page to show all my other socially networked friends that people are interested in what I have to say. Now, I could reminisce about times in high school that Christian exemplified unmotivated attitudes and when he would not do simple tasks out of pure laze. But I think his Facebook profile better shows this:

Have you seen a lazier defense than the New York Knicks’? Maybe Chris relates to the Knickerbockers and that’s why he is a fan. His favorite athlete is Osi Umenyiora? The guy who bailed on his ‘hold out’ after a few days? That guy could not commit to not committing! Perfect idol for a kid who used more effort to fight cleaning his room than it actually would have taken to clean his room.
I just personally think that all Mets fans hate success, which is why Christian plays hippie instead of going to college. Just my thought. Name the last Mets fan President of the United States.
Chris claims to be agnostic. Agnostics are people who claim that they do not know if there is a God or a deity of some sort. Many of them are ‘waiting for a miracle’ to prove His/Her/My Dad’s existence (my dad thinks he is God). Others hide behind agnosticism to not appear like a batshit crazy Christian but also do not want to appear godless. Maybe Christian is just tired of going to a place of worship every week because he is a little bit stoned and would rather talk to whichever ‘being’ appears to him in his visions.

It has been quite some time since Chris and I had a conversation. Yet I occasionally would see him pop up on my News Feed, as I am sure I popped up on his, too. Whenever that would happen, I did the usual thing people do: I looked at his 20 most recent pictures and checked to see the current school, work, and relationship statuses. In today’s age, many people are Facebook friends with people they never interact with for the sole reason of keeping tabs on them. Why do we need to know about what is going on in the lives of people we never think or care about until a mysterious algorithm tells us it is time to think about them? I do not need Chris’s Facebook friendship, at least not for the time being. Maybe one day Chris will see that i do comedy and will want to know where my next show is. Then I will tell him. And maybe Chris will see my brilliant blog in the meantime. Then he will go to the show, enjoy an expensive 2 drink minimum to see some funny people. Then right before I go on stage, he leaves the club for a moment. When I get off stage, I will see him again, have some drinks. Maybe I will even buy him a beer or two. We will catch up on what has been going on the last 5 years or so. Then we will part ways, say to take care. I will go to my car. Then scratched on the hood it will say, “Whose unFriended now, Asshole?” And all I will think is, “It is ‘Who’s’, not ‘Whose’.” I might even be giving him too much credit assuming he would use a comma.

Christian, enjoy your hippie friends in California. This is over.

Friend Count: 1040

Morgan Block: Uniquely Sane Tischie

Tue, 26 Jul 2011 13:29:00 -0400

Any college girl’s online dating profile says, “I love movies.” Well this week’s addition to the unFriended All-Stars really loves movies. Or more accurately, she loves film (people I don’t love? the ones that correct you with ‘film’ when you say ‘movies’). This Tischie is all about being an individual and independent of the mainstream media outlets. She appreciates projects with meaning and a message (but without cool explosions or Justin Bieber). I would not be surprised if she also dug coffee shops and guys with tight pants and thin 1970s mustaches. If you want to be an individual, get a shitty short hair cut and wear a bunch of wrist bands like the emo kids do it. This week, Morgan Block joins the cast and crew of the UFAS!

“Yea man, you know, it symbolizes protecting education from the downpour of ignorance.” —- the way this picture would be described in an Indie coffee shop with eco-friendly cups and a Tisch graduate barista.

Morgan is an incoming Junior at New York University studying Film & Television in the infamous Tisch School of the Arts. I myself minored in Producing for Film & Television in Tisch, so I had a foot in the Tisch world. Tischies are generally known for their eccentric personalities and odd tendencies. Tischies are not usually the brightest of the bunch but they will be able to break down Shakespearen dialogue for you (while they serve you lunch at a restaurant post-graduation). Your roommate that is a vegan and does not like to shave her armpits? Probably an arts student. Film students are not that bad, but the acting girls are out of their damned minds. Have you ever met a girl from Cap 21, the musical theater studio? These girls think Glee is a documentary! I had to sleep on the couch of a Cap 21 dorm room where I listened to these girls play “Defying Gravity” from Wicked nine times, each video featuring a different actress who played Elfeba. Then I had to listen to these girls sing it themselves. By the end of the night, I wanted to jump out of the window and accept gravity.

This week’s UFAS is not one of those girls. No, Morgan probably wants to write or direct for film. She is an ar-teest. I swear, these film students can get away with anything for a grade. I knew of a guy my freshman year who, for his Junior film project, had his crew film him masturbating, then added orchestra music to it and played it backwards to his entire class. “You see, this way we start with an inciting incident, the ejaculation. Then we witness a struggle, and then a light ending where one character limps down into defeat. It represents the bi-partisan struggle in passing the Health Care Reform Law.” This guy got an A. I tried to masturbate for an A. My teacher asked me to put my penis away and sit back down.

According to Facebook, this Long Island native and I have been friends since September 2009 and according to our sole wall post interaction, I apparently knocked on her door in attempt to sell her and her roommates comedy tickets. My borderline creepy business venture aside, I have not seen nor interacted with this girl in nearly 2 years. Now, I normally love a cute little girl that enjoys movies, but after some internal debate (and remembering that my ‘game’ with sophisticated chicks is pretty poor), I decided that this Facebook friendship will have to end. As usual, I came to this conclusion based on some research into the ‘real’ Morgan Block.

Morgan Block already has an IMDB page and thus has more tv credits than I have. I have plenty of successful Facebook friends that I actually know in real life that I can be jealous of. I do not need any more friends to remind me that I should just go to law school. I already have friends and family for that.
I have to question Morgan’s judgement. She already befriended some stranger going door to door in her dorm selling comedy tickets like a college-aged Jehovah’s witness (“Have you heard the good word of the Lord, George Carlin?”). She also has some questionable friends herself. One of her favorite activities is “Julia Zolotarev”, a friend of hers. If a friend of yours is easy enough to become a Facebook-certified activity, you need to look at who your friends are (and give me that friend’s phone number). Another interest of hers are “Nicole’s broken duct tape sandles”. I am not completely classist, but christ I hate poor people. Buy some new sandles, dear.
She ‘likes’ Alanis Morissette. Fucking Canadian.
Apolo Anton Ohno. Speed skater. Alicia Sacramone. Gymnast. Ryan Lochte. Swimmer. Michael Phelps. Bro olympian. All of Morgan’s favorite athletes do not even play real sports! Be a good girl and ‘like’ Abby Wambach and watch real sports. Even the crimes of real athletes are more exciting. Michael Phelps got in trouble for smoking some weed. O.J. Simpson killed his wife. Which one am I more enamored by? See my point?
So now I know who I am not inviting to my next slumber party.

It was a difficult decision determining this week’s unFriended All-Star. When you think about it, Morgan is a smart person to keep on if you are in the performing arts. You always want a friend who can help get you into a movie or get your script sold. Well, I can not act and, as you all see week after week, I also can not write. But if I were not trying to clear out my Friends list (and if I were not such an asshole), I would have kept her as a friend, and here is why:

She enjoys talking, which is good, because otherwise she would be a very boring friend (but one hell of a Charades partner). And one second: really, why is this a Facebook page? And why do only 600,000 people ‘like’ it? Fuck I hate Facebook.
Apparently the only thing you need to know about Morgan is that she loves her sister Lindsay, according to her Facebook profile. This is a great trait to have, being a family person. It is not that important for me, but most normal people are all about loving their brothers and sisters. My sister hates me right now, telling me that I am dead to her…again. She tried to tell me that back in March when we got in a different fight. So I must have resurrected as a brother at some point…probably around late April.
Mika. Who didn’t love “Grace Kelly”? I do not care how gay that man is; his music is fucking fabulous.

Morgan is also a huge fan of indie film. She ‘likes’ the TriBeCa Film Festival, the annual New York City film festival that showcases some of the year’s upcoming independently produced hits. If you look at Morgan’s favorites, it is an interesting gathering of movies. There are some mainstream hits such as The Sound of Music (Singing Natzis), Precious (Didn’t See Because It Seemed Like a White Boy Wouldn’t Appreciate It), 500 Days of Summer (‘Switching Gender Roles’ Meets ‘It Doesn’t Work Out’), and Matilda (Girl Grows Up to Be Just Another NYU Student). There are also a bunch of independent films that none of us have ever heard of, such as Spork, the love story of a girl and her spork, and Monogamy- The Movie, the movie that did not star my parents. Indie films lack the major names and mainstream humor of most movies and the exciting CGI and explosions that distract me from shitty dialogue. Independent films like these generally do not make a lot of money, which I have a problem with, because we are not going to boost the economy or create jobs with these small projects. What I am trying to say is that if you like indie film, you hate America.

I can neither confirm nor deny Morgan Block being a good person. I will lean towards her being a sweet girl, but who knows, she could be a total bitch or a complete Tischie nutjob. I have no idea. I am just some weird dude that knocks on doors, apparently. What I can say with certainty is that Morgan opens her Facebook legs for ‘friendship’ like a cheap whore in World War II France and then leaves you out to dry on her Friends list. However, if you want someone to tell you which foreign language short film to check out at the IFC center, where you pay the same amount of money for less movie, add her on Facebook. She is also a good person to know if you need a location scout for a film or want to audition for a student film. Me, I think I have just the role for her. Morgan, you have been cast as unFriended All-Star #25!

Friend Count: 1037

Ty Longland: Laxing Liftmaster

Sun, 17 Jul 2011 20:55:43 -0400

This week’s UFAS is so into the outdoors and nature that I am surprised he has a Facebook in the first place. But it is nearly impossible to not have a profile on the social networking giant today, as even my favorite bum on Broadway and Astor Place has a Facebook profile. This guy loves snowboarding and watching sunsets, which explains why he has not had time to chat it up with me online. Ty Longland, go tear it up on Mt. unFriended!

This will be the only UFAS spared of showing his full face, mainly because all of his pictures either look like this or show off a really disturbing bald head.

Ty Longland grew up in New England, hailing from Woodstock, Connecticut. It is located in the northeast corner of the state, about a half hour south of Worcestor. There are a lot of farms up in my old boarding school’s town. A cow farm was right around the corner, which made walking to breakfast every morning and smelling cow manure in the air an unpleasant, yet necessary, part of the day. Woodstock, CT is not the most diverse of neighborhoods. I remember hearing Ty talk about growing up in Woodstock, complaining about the lack of diversity in the area. He said he saw his first Klan meeting before he saw his first black person, which I think makes it weird that a 10-year old Ty was hanging around a Klan meeting. Do they make those bedsheets in children’s sizes? Where are the parents?! O yea, at the meeting. I always thought it was strange for areas of rural Connecticut to be racist. Have they seen the starting line up for their beloved UCONN Huskies?

I knew Ty when we worked a summer orientation for my then-current boarding school back in 2006. He was an alumni counselor, having graduated several years earlier. After he left, we never spoke again. I only knew that he played lacrosse. If you know anyone that plays lacrosse, you will know that when they are not accidentally breaking glass doors, they are talking about what kind of stick they are going to buy and how their ‘wings’ are growing well (referring to the lazy non-haircut that you shape by always wearing a hat and flaring the hair out the sides). I went to boarding school having never heard the word ‘lacrosse’. It was mandatory to play a sport every season at my school. Under ‘Spring Sports’, my choices were tennis, track & field, and lacrosse. My first reaction was, “What the fuck is lacrosse?”

Lacrosse, Billy, is a game where one sick bro cradles a ball in his sack attached to his stick and then attempts to pass the ball to another sick bro in attempts of scoring. When a goal is denied, the entire team holds her down as they rape the girl together. Then they play lacrosse.

Ty played for the Hyde lax team as well as at UCONN. Although I love watching a sport where people lay each other out, I still had a hard time getting into lacrosse. Any sport where the professional players make less than $75,000 a year just does not do it for me. I need a commercialized sport where advertisements interrupt play and the massive amounts of revenue cause the entire league to shut down every four years so billionaires can argue with multi-millionaires. What fan doesn’t?

I think had Duke worn their helmets, they never would have gotten caught. Not to give any would-be rapists any suggestions.

Ty and I just do not have similar interests and I have trouble finding reasons to stay Facebook friends with him. I will share with you some things I have a problem with.

His favorite sports teams are a very big issue. We all know (you don’t, but the people that matter know) that I am a huge New York Jets fan. So Ty’s support of the New England Patriots is a no-go right away. Going to high school in Patriots country was rough. From 2003-2007, the Jets were really, really bad. So instead of getting beat up for hating the Patriots, kids would just console me every Sunday night after the games were over. “Here have a tissue…RED AND BLUE TISSUES!” He also likes the Boston Celtics. I hate Boston. Strike two. Ty’s favorite hockey team, obviously, are the Boston Bruins. This is a problem, obviously, because he likes hockey and I do not enjoy dying sports.
His favorite athletes are Travis Rice and Mark McMorris, a couple of snowboarders. I am not sure I can designate X-Games participants as ‘real’ athletes. I always thought snowboarders were just guys that liked to get high a lot who were really into sledding.
Slap Shot and Miracle are included in his favorite movies. That is two too many hockey movies.
One of his two favorite quotations listed is, “There are two types of people in this world; Those who are Irish and those who want to be.” This quote is attributed to “unknown”. I think this is because no one has actually ever said this, as I have never thought to myself, “God, I want to be an alcoholic with unresolved father issues.” There is also a third type of person in this world: people who use proper punctuation.
Ty works at Steamboat as a ‘lifty’, which he describes as, “Make fun of you when you fall getting on or off the lift and get paid”. Which is interesting, because when I am on line at the lift, I am laughing at the guy with a college education that works the lift. Then I fall getting on the lift. Then the girl I showed up with ends up fucking the lift guy later that night. Fuck.

The above could really either be reasons to unFriend or to befriend Ty. Think of it this way:

He works the lift = Free pass to snowboard (or ski, if you are rich)
Proud Irishman = Will never turn down drinking with you, unless it is because he is already drinking somewhere
He likes hockey = You can both hold each other as the metaphorical ship that is the sport of hockey slowly sinks into public access television

Ty is an active guy who also appreciates a scenic view, always commenting on the beautiful and amazing New England skies he gets to see at night. I will attest to this. The night skies in rural Connecticut were gorgeous. At night, I could see all sorts of stars that I had never seen before. Yes, living in New York City does not allow for me to see any stars, but I also get to live amongst all sorts of people, from blacks to bigots, and I would not have it any other way. I also have less chances of going to a bar and hooking up with a second cousin by living here, as you are way more likely to if you are raised in Woodstock, CT. Alas, I must unFriend Ty. This does not mean he is a waste of a friend. He might actually be a great fit for you if you enjoy snowboarding, lax, or the city of Boston. So basically, if I could never like you, you should shoot him a Friend request. Me? Maybe if he spent more time reading my blog and less time watching beautiful sunsets, he could be spared. Ty, you do not have to look into the sky to find the stars you are about to join: the unFriended All-Stars!

Friend Count: 1022

Jamie Yen: Asian Ginger

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 13:49:00 -0400

My faithful (and adulterous) readers, there is a grave new type of human amongst us. There have been vampires, werewolves, and Republicans. I regret to inform you that there is a shocking, new hybrid that exists: the Asian Ginger. The Gingian is a new breed that has risen up with the aid of mystical hair dyes and a need for individuality. This week’s unFriended All-Star is an example of what we can expect from this new form of Ginger. Jamie Yen, our Facebook friendship has provided much information about the Gingian but I must now disconnect for fear of becoming one.

An unlikely combination, like a gay Republican.

Jamie is fellow member of the 2003 graduating class of Norwood Public School. I went on to my ‘alternative’ boarding school and Jamie went on to the public high school, taking down the academic competition. I remember Jamie being bright and brilliant. It is a shame to see she has gone down the rust-tinted path she has chosen.

We all might (but probably don’t, because you are probably reading this for the first time just to check it out; I’m surprised you have read this far past the ‘Read More’) remember Brigette Cohan, the ginger that I unFriended. Recently, Rupert Grint, also known as Ron Weasley, outed J.K. Rowling as the secret leader behind the Ginger Army that is planning to take over the regular soul-bearing human population. Well it appears Ms. Rowling and her war chest have a new weapon. What a brilliant invention that is, a weapon that only someone capable of conjuring up a tall, gay wizard could do: a human being with the atrocious morals of a ginger and the cunning agility of a ninja!

Okay, so maybe Jamie is not a natural red head. I will even go out on a limb and say she is definitely not a natural red head. Clearly her hair is dyed this tint of red. Why? Why choose to look like a manga caricature? Was the need to stand out from your race and look different from everyone else so severe? At least it will be easier to find her on a blind date if she ever goes back to China (or whichever ethnicity she is, as I admit my ignorance). “Where are you? O, wait, you’re the one with red hair.”

Now I could make easy Asian laundromat jokes here, but instead I would rather comment on the Feng Shui usage of the Yin color green in this room.

Jamie and I have not spoken since she wrote in my year book right before 8th grade graduation. Otherwise, Jamie might as well have been just another 5’1” Asian girl on my Friends list. Where have you been all this time, Jamie? O yea, you were having fun in Boston, a town I despise o so much. Our profiles were never much of a match either. We hardly have similar interests.

Jamie ‘likes’ the Tufts Women’s Center. I am all for women having centers and being in touch with them and getting the proper supplies to make sure they do not ever become pregnant. What I am not for is its slogan: “Learn. Lead. Liberate.” Learn? Okay, it is too late to stop letting women know how to read. We let them play soccer on national television, so we lost that fight. Lead? Obama won the Democratic Primary in ‘08, not Hillary (despite her ability to answer phones). Liberate? Women are free to do what they please and please who they want (unfortunately, the person they want to please is rarely me). We haven’t enslaved women into anything for nearly 100 years (since the invention of the brassiere when we enslaved their breasts). Tufts Women’s Center…relax. Just give out condoms and Plan B and coach the girl into aborting it so she can ‘pursue a future’.
Jamie Tweets (@jmigang). When I visited her page, it was just a bunch of Tweets @ her friends, essentially having ineffective 140 characters or less conversations. That is both obnoxious and not the purpose of the site. Twitter is supposed to make you share your innermost (watered down) thoughts and feelings. The other purpose is to let me know when you are not home so I can rob your house. Jamie’s misuse of the social networking ‘tool’ (although I do not know what Twitter fixes as a tool, because it is certainly not spelling and grammar) annoys me, which is another reason she has to go.
The only thing in Jamie’s ‘About Me’ section is: “Jamie, you’re like a mirage.” Frankly, I do not like fake people, especially fake Ginger ninja people. A mirage is meant to trick a person and I do not like being tricked, unless it is by a trick, in which case we can talk over a fair price.

Now, if you need another smiling friendly Facebook friend, Jamie is a good fit for you. She seems pleasant and happy and all the other dispositions I wish I possessed on a regular basis. See if any of the following activities click with you and maybe you two should link up and Poke each other!

Jamie enjoys Chekhov’s short stories. Immediately I knew that Jamie was too smart for me because I immediately confused Chekhov with Leo Tolstoy. If you like classics, talk to Jamie and you two can get coffee together and grade papers together, since teaching is the only thing you can do if you enjoy classics. Me? I will stick to Where the Wild Things Are
Jamie is a fan of the Tufts step team, BlackOut. Now, I have to give Jamie props for being into step. I was a member of the NYU step team, One Step Ahead, for three years. Yes, I was the white boy on the step team. I heard it was a ‘multicultural’ team…there was primarily just one culture represented. BlackOut won a major Boston step competition back in April. Congratulations to the Tufts male step team for taking first place performing an action that when explained to white people is countered with, “Like Stomp?” Stomp: The White Man’s Step.
Jamie is a dancer, a part of various Tufts dance groups and a fan of many others. Whether contemporary or jazz, ballet or hip hop, this little one is the girl to never take out dancing. Have you ever taken a dancer out to a night club and tried to do anything other than grinding? You go from sexy to zero very quickly if the only ‘training’ you had was from watching YouTube videos (isn’t that where everyone else got their moves?).

Jamie is a tiny girl and I really do not need anymore skinny people making me regret eating that first doughnut in the second grade. On top of being your typical petite Asian girl, Jamie is indecisive about her body image, flip flopping every time she gains or loses five ounces. This is true, #noonelikesskinnybitches. I read this and almost considered falling in love. I am all for a skinny person deciding to fatten up in hopes that it will hide my own love handles. But then I saw this next status and was disgusted, because her ass is about the size of my left boob. Honey, you do not know being a fat ass until you stop brushing your teeth just so you do not have to feel your stomach jiggle in a different rhythm than your thigh fat.

Jamie and I never clicked in person or online. I do not want to continue granting access to all of my information to an undercover agent for the dark red side (maroon side?). Jamie is a lovely individual that does not want to conform to the black bowl cut, smart, petite Asian girl norm. No. She makes herself different…by being a smart, petite, Asian girl with a red haired bowl cut. Jamie may be a great Facebook friend for you, in which case, Friend her. I just cannot keep her on board any longer. Jamie Yen, let your light shine, just not on my friends list!

Friend Count: 1025

Jonathan Schrader: Sporty Samaritan

Mon, 04 Jul 2011 12:27:07 -0400

‘NYU’ and ‘Athletics’ should never be in the same sentence together. My alma mater is a large university of over 40,000 undergrads with one of the most expensive tuitions in the country, yet we only have a mere Division III sports program. I mean, our best sport is fencing, which when you think about it, makes sense for NYU: two men slapping each other with their sticks. This week’s UFAS is a recent graduate of the University of Miami- a large school known for producing professional athletes from its athletics teams, The Hurricanes. It does not seem that he was on a sports team himself, but that did not stop him from looking like a buff jockey athlete with a lazy goatee to show off on the beach. Jonathan Schrader joins a different ‘The U’, the unFriended All-Stars!

Can throwing up this sign in the wrong area of Miami get you shot by a Blood or a Crip (people jealous they couldn’t go to any U)?

Jon Schrader is a Chicago native who just graduated with a degree in political science. He also studied marketing and business law. Congrats, Jon, but slow down. Why don’t you settle on one yuppie job to pursue, okay? Jon went to U. Miami, affectionately known as ‘The U’ (or The []_[] if you’re annoying). ‘The U’ is an interesting nickname, since there is no ‘u’ in ‘Miami’. Students claim it is because Miami is the best university in the world and therefore is ‘The University’, thus ‘The U’. That is pretty pretentious, Hurricanes. How did you beat everyone else out on this? There seems to be some intercollegiate beef over the moniker.

The University of Utah: obviously enough, because their school starts with the letter ‘u’. U.U. looks more like a typo than a school, so they have a legitimate reason to want to claim ‘the U’.
The University of Connecticut: Some Huskies at UCONN want to claim the U but they already have a good abbreviation as it. Don’t be selfish, Connecticut. You have enough money to afford everything else you want. Why don’t you stop fucking up my bracket every year before you start making demands?
The University of Minnesota: really? Go back into Michigan State’s shadow.
Unionville, PA: Okay, it is not a school but rather a hick town in Pennsylvania. They do have a ‘u’ but they fall short by about 300 SAT points. Valiant effort, though.

My sister also attends The U and I see her always rocking orange & green and throwing up their gang symbol. Many of Jon’s pictures feature him throwing up the hand signs, too.

Three strippers and you could only get one to do the sign right?! Maybe the other two were Tampa graduates.

This week, I unfortunately can not speak unkindly of the University of Miami. Unlike a typical party school like Tampa, students somehow manage to be responsible with their academics while skipping class to go to the beach. Students from the U know things I never learned at New York University, such as how to match two ungodly ugly colors, how to drop E at Ultra and call it ‘chemistry research’, and how to get a full body tan without burning your cock (you have a sorority girl jerk you off with sun tan lotion until she can re-cover it with your own SPF-69).

I met Jonathan at a People to People Leadership Summit. People to People runs different programs whether it’s leadership, performing arts, international ambassadors, etc. They are teen summer programs where parents shell out hundreds of dollars for their child to be able to put it on their resume. I attended the leadership summit where, I guess, I learned how to be a leader. The problem is, when we would do group activities everyone wanted to be the leader. If you did not want to lead, you failed. If everyone tried to lead, we would all fail. Regardless, the program wins and gets rich. It causes there to be too many chiefs and not enough Indians. I always saw the counselors as Texas Rangers because regardless of which student led, we all knew that the counselor could send us back to our rooms and make us give them our lands and women.

So Jon and I were in the same group for the ten day program. Most of our group got really close and we ended the summit saying good-byes and, “I love you all so much!” Then we all became the best of Facebook friends for 3 months. After that? The messages and comments became fewer and fewer. 4 years later, I only just rarely speak to one Starling Ferguson (yes, her name is Starling. We all commented on how her parents clearly wanted her to be a stripper by giving her that name and tea-cup plate areolae). This Republican Roman Catholic and I have not spoken since the trip aside from maybe one instant message conversation. So I debated whether or not to unFriend him. Then I saw what was on his profile and realized he has nothing to offer me as a digital contact.

He is a fan of the gorgeous Tri Delta girls at U. Miami. The thing is, the chapter is only now wrapping up a two year suspension at the school for hazing new members. I am way anti-hazing. I think most of the things they make new girls do is pretty disgusting and cruel: forcing them to drink until they throw up, circling fatty areas of their bodies with magic markers, making them carry embarrassing items around campus. But the whole making girls choose between blowing a particular guy at a party or doing a line of coke? I’m not entirely against that one. Why? Because whichever they choose, they probably end up blowing someone at a party. I know how a numbers game works and if I creepily attend enough parties, I could eventually be that guy (winning the oral sex lottery?)!
He is part of a group called I Can Have Fun Without Getting Wasted Or High. I was not sure if this was a positive or negative but ended up deciding that it was a reason to digitally disown him. Not to say everyone should go get fucked up and use drugs, but I do not think you can fit in too well at The U if you don’t. And I need a guy that is going to get me into those hot Tri Delta parties.
Jon’s favorite teams are the University of Miami Hurricanes, Chicago Bulls, Green Bay Packers, and the Chicago Blackhawks. One of these teams I cannot get behind because they do not play on a national level. I mean, when was the last time someone watched the Blackhawks?! If you like hockey, that dying sport that does not live up to its potential, I am not sure how much longer we can be ‘Friends’. Hockey is hardly a sport. It is more of a game that allows drunk hicks that accidentally got skates instead of cleats as a kid to hit each other while going really fast. I think the only thing I won’t watch more than hockey is the WNBA. And when that gets canceled in 3 years, hockey will become the new least-watched-sport-behind-bowling.

Jon could have been spared from the UFAS (although I have no idea why anyone would want to be spared from losing an asshole like me as a ‘friend’) had he interacted with my profile. All it takes is a ‘like’ of one of my brilliant tweets or a comment on any of my hilarious postings. Jon failed this part of the Internet interactivity test.

Mr. Schrader is quite the humanitarian goody-two shoes (never understood that expression; who can afford to do good but can’t afford two shoes? Redundant?), volunteering his time and U energy to causes and groups. I cannot afford to give up my free time for others because I am really just too busy sleeping and writing a shitty blog every week. In between those things, I have to comb through an online dating site to find girls to fuck, find just the right happy ending massage girl, and research which Long Island Gang Bang group is for me (what is fun about putting that sentence in there is you get to determine which, if any, you think are true or untrue; have fun!). But most of you reading are not total shitheads I assume. Most of you probably have a heart and soul and want to help the needy. Most of you would probably enjoy Jon as a friend. Then you can get countless Facebook messages, event invites, group solicitations about any variety of causes where you question where your $10 really goes. Schrader should be commended for the various good works he does with the Make a Wish Foundation (despite the number of Carmen Electra-based wishes that go unfulfilled every year) and the U Student government. These are good people doing good things.

If I were a good person, a big if, I would continue my online relationship with Jon. He would be the first person that I would message to ask what number I can text to donate $10 to whichever earthquake/tsunami/beheading/other natural disaster that has collapsed another tiny nation. He would most likely direct me to an organization that I could go help, whether it be going abroad to help the injured children or simply taking calls at a non-profit’s office. Then I would remind him that I am an American and I have things to do. I just barely have time for an extra text message! So Jon, you will be gladly rid of another Facebook friend, especially one like me that floods a wall with useless jokes and silly postings, rather than the important newsworthy updates that would be useful for a good samaritan like you. The U has taught you well. Me? NYJew showed me how to use the media for my own benefit.

Friend Count: 1019

I Stand Corrected: Edits Made to My Shitty Research

Sat, 02 Jul 2011 01:45:00 -0400

A gracious, yet anonymous and uncreative, reader has made me aware of my shitty research and incorrect generalizations made about some bullet points in this week’s blog post about Chloe McCarthy: AWOL American. Let’s go over what was said with gofuckyourself@gmail.com’s (emailed him and for some reason it returned undeliverable…did I type the address wrong?) edits in bold:

Summer Heights High is a favorite of hers, a television show about an Australian high school. It’s like an Australian Degrassi, which is another favorite of hers. What, Saved By the Bell wasn’t good enough for you? American high school problems are so much more fun than other countries’: gang violence, drug use, not realizing you’re pregnant. Stick to Glee, I promise it will be more entertaining.

summer heights high is NOTHING like degrassi. So I am going from having not seen the show to seeing 12 minutes of the show, which I feel is a sufficient amount to see before being able to mock something. This show was a short-lived muckumentary comedy where actor Chris Lilley plays three separate ‘subjects’. It is like The Office meets The United States of Tara, but without the success of either. And with more Australians. It actually is kind of funny, which means I now hate myself a little bit. So I apologize to you all and to Chris Lilley for comparing this one-season wonder to the great success, Degrassi and its two subsequent spin-offs.

Then she also likes Flight of the Concords. Yea, the show takes place in New York City, but its main characters are Australian. Just another example of foreigners coming into this country and taking our jobs. Fucking (very) wetbacks.

flight of the concords is from new zealand. Fair enough. I almost forgot about New Zealand the country all together, as do most people in the US when there are no Olympics or World Cup to remind us of its existence. Then again, that makes sense, since a recent study shows the United States ranking 17th in education amongst major countries. You know who beat us out? Estonia and Slovenia: a country my sister has never heard of and a country smaller than the state of New Jersey. GoFuckYourself, you’re right. Our children is not learning.

Her favorite book is Gossip Girl, which I thought was a mistake. Then I clicked and saw that there are books spinning off of the terrible show. There are fourteen books in the series. That is two back-to-back runs of Hogwarts without any of the subtle sexuality and impressive vocabulary.

the gossip girl books were out before the show. I stand by my statements regarding the series. Fuck Chuck Lance Bass, whatever his name is.

He ended with, “But yea, fuck australia.” I do not really hate Australia that much. I am more hating on Chloe’s betrayal of this great(ly in debt) country that is the United States of America (brought to you by the Treasury of China).

Litigious Lesson for Pretty Boy Partier

Fri, 01 Jul 2011 10:31:10 -0400

Last week’s UFAS	Do you know what ‘slander’ is?
What I Wanted To Say	Yes, I do. Apparently you don’t, since you mean to say ‘libel’. Maybe if you knew the difference between the two you wouldn’t be at University of Tampa!

But I restrained myself and just said, ‘Yes. I do.’ I’m such a wuss.

Chloe McCarthy: AWOL American

Thu, 30 Jun 2011 09:32:33 -0400

Patriots say, ‘These colors don’t run.’ They do if you’re Chloe McCarthy, our latest unFriended All-Star. I think we should take a look at what caused Chloe to get ousted from the U.S. and exiled from my Friends list.

This sexy cougar-in-training is a cup size away from being an extra in a Katy Perry video.

I have always had a thing for older women. It is an interesting term, ‘cougars’: older women who prey on young guys. They call the young men ‘cubs’, which I don’t think fits me well. Because I like to go out on the hunt for older women, which I think makes me a ‘poacher’. Now, when you are 19 years old, when I first met Chloe, it is not hard to be an ‘older woman’. If you can rent a car legally, you’re old to me. So cue a 25-year old friend of my former babysitter-turned-drinking partner. Let us call her ‘J’. J and I linked up on Skype where, as a teenager would do, I badgered the woman for a titty flash (because that’s what the Internet and webcam are for, right?). As she refuses, her blonde roommate Chloe drunkenly stumbles in. Understandably, she saw an adorable kid on the screen in a wifebeater and decided to pull down her pants to show me her ass. My seeing Chloe’s bottom began what should have been a beautiful Facebook friendship.

Ms. McCarthy (even just that name sounds like the sexy school teacher I wish she were) is a Jersey girl, hailing from a town called Cranford. After seeing UrbanDictionary.com’s help explaining the University of Tampa in last week’s post, I consulted the scholarly site for information on Cranford, NJ. The most underrated television show ever, The Adventures of Pete & Pete, was filmed in many areas of the town. Pete & Pete was a short-lived comedy on Nickelodeon that followed two ginger brothers and their idiosyncratic town. Given a few more years, little Pete would have totally brought back the red flannel cap.

It appears Chloe is a woman that wears hats too, although I am not too sure if hers is the most loyal of hats.

Somewhat over a year ago, Chloe left the states to move to Australia. She does not appear to have a job in Australia nor did she marry some hunk down under. I guess she just decided that she was fed up with this country and was going to try a new one. People, I can not have disloyal expatriates in my Friends list. If you think Fosters and rugby are better than Coors Light and football, then not only do you have good taste, but you also hate freedom.

Only one Commie star, Chloe? Do you know how many stars America has? 51. For the fifty states and our newly-claimed territory: Libya.

But her Australian excursion is not my only reason for unFriending this future blonde divorced housewife. Her favorite television shows are enough reason to be upset.

Summer Heights High is a favorite of hers, a television show about an Australian high school. It’s like an Australian Degrassi, which is another favorite of hers. What, Saved By the Bell wasn’t good enough for you? American high school problems are so much more fun than other countries’: gang violence, drug use, not realizing you’re pregnant. Stick to Glee, I promise it will be more entertaining.
Bad Girls Club is a reality show on Oxygen (a cable channel that only battered women watch) where several ‘bad girls’ are filmed as they live together for 3 months. Viewers get to see cat fights, stealing, and girls calling each other ‘slutty bitches’ a lot. I call that ‘Spring Semester in a College Dorm Room’.
Then she also likes Flight of the Concords. Yea, the show takes place in New York City, but its main characters are Australian. Just another example of foreigners coming into this country and taking our jobs. Fucking (very) wetbacks.
Hell, the only respectable American show Chloe ‘likes’ is Curb Your Enthusiasm, a show about a grumpy old man. Maybe if she watched wholesome programming like Boy Meets World (or didn’t grow up in New Jersey), she would realize that the United States is a fantastic place to live (and be poor and jobless).
Her favorite book is Gossip Girl, which I thought was a mistake. Then I clicked and saw that there are books spinning off of the terrible show. There are fourteen books in the series. That is two back-to-back runs of Hogwarts without any of the subtle sexuality and impressive vocabulary.

Being a friend of Chloe’s has not brought me anywhere, but that is not to suggest that being friends with her yourself is a bad idea. She seems like a wild good time. I mean, if she showed me her ass on webcam without even paying her, imagine what you could see in real life! Imagine that with the song “Imagine” in the background and you see a world with no war and lots of titties…it isn’t hard to do.

I have to respect anyone who lived in a joint called ‘the Slanty Shack’. Her old place was in Hoboken, also known as ‘The Hobo’. Lots of poor terminology, so if you collect cans, you might want to use the public library’s computer to friend her.
At least she loves the gays. Chloe has many pictures of Pride Week in Australia. This was a shock because I had no idea that Australia had pride week or that they allowed gays in the Outback. Then again, can you think of anything gayer than wrestling crocodiles? Could ‘crocodile’ be a term like ‘bears’ are here? Maybe a crocodile is a slick dude with bad skin?
Chloe’s old job as a media buyer earned her many an invitation to a red carpet event. If you want to star watch and get pictures with people your spouse wished you looked like, Chloe is the friend for you. She has pictures with Neil Patrick Harris, the cast of Glee, and the Situation. The biggest celebrities I hang out with are comedy all-stars that no one has ever heard of. How many people know who Bill Burr is? Hang out with Chloe and you could be sharing a table (and a venereal disease) with Paris Hilton at the club.

This gorgeous blonde seems like a fun time, whether she is hang gliding, hiking, or walking the red carpet. But the next worse thing after a Canadian, or a Frenchman, is a drunk Aussie in a comedy audience. I hope that Chloe does not come back with the same unruly behavior of those savages that the British knew were bad news so many years ago. You may forgive her faster than I can, and in that case, you should friend her. Me? I already hate foreigners and dislike those who leave to live amongst them (you, too, volunteers. Try volunteering in the Bronx). If she does come back to this country, however, she better be wearing Stars and Stripes panties and blowing a guy named George Washington because I severely question her love of this country. Chloe McCarthy, you (literally) haven’t shown your ass around here in a long time. So get your ass off my Friends list!

Friends Count: 1153

Chris Brundage: Pretty Boy Partier

Thu, 23 Jun 2011 11:56:00 -0400

There is a place that pretty people go to have a good time and live care free. No, I am not talking about the vacation island from Scooby Doo, although this week’s unFriended All-Star does kind of look like Freddie Prinze Jr. from that flick. When kids do not have the ability to spend their college careers in the cold, academic airs of Harvard or Yale, they head on down to the warm and sunny Florida beaches. Chris Brundage is a seemingly proud (I am not too sure why though) University of Tampa junior and has not been holding his weight as a Facebook friend. So get out of my NewsFeed and back to the beach!

Why has there never been a blonde pirate? Yahoo! Answers says because blondes are not hardcore enough to be pirates. Agreed.

Chris is yet another kid from my hometown of Norwood, NJ, a town where you learn how to perfect your beer pong shot before your multiplication tables. That is no big deal, since the only multiplication you need to know is 1 x 2 (two cups for a bounce!). Chris frequented many a party of my sister’s and usually dominated the table. When he graduated high school, he took his arched shot and good looks down to Tampa.

Picture the movie Accepted meets Girls Gone Wild and you have a good idea of the University of Tampa. Chris is a chill, party guy who likes to have a fun time with good drinks and good friends. When you go to the University of Tampa, that is all that’s important. He at least chose a fitting school for a blonde, although I did not realize that the stereotype also applied to men (substitute big tits for big pecs?). U of T is an abbreviation for students, not because it sounds cool but, because they occasionally forget the name of their school. I would not say that Tampa is for dumb kids because I do not want to insult the lower 25% of nearby University of South Florida. Students at Tampa get handled by their professors with kid gloves. No, really, they do. Students still receive actual report cards. The grading system at U. Tampa follows the progressive self-esteem movement that lowers the standards in order for young people to ‘feel good’ about themselves. Students do not receive your typical grades (A, A-, B+, expulsion letter). They can receive split grades such as a C/D. “You got a C-ish, kind of a D. You passed, that’s what’s important.”

People are pretty brutal on Tampa. Even Chris’s girlfriend, when asked about the school, admits, “I can’t speak to half of the people there because they are just so retarded! It’s annoying.” But she is not the only one who thinks so. Simply look up ‘University of Tampa’ on Urban Dictionary.

The University of Tampa is a small school in Florida that is comprised of students who got rejected from their number one schools. It is conveniently located right outside of Ybor city, probably the scrubbiest street in the country. There are too many Guidos and Gays to fathom, and Greek life is a complete joke. The teachers have the least qualifications of any private school in the South. All of these things may be reasons for the transfer rate at 48% after freshman year.

Now homophobic comments aside, Tampa seems to be the place to go when you cannot get into other schools but you do not want the stigma of going to community college. “University of Tampa: It Beats University of Phoenix.”

Being Pride Week, I am glad to see that Chris is all for Gay Rights. He is also apparently a fan of Brokeback Mountain and Elton John. Maybe his profile is just a big gay joke, because he does not actually like that movie or that music. Does that also mean he is not for gay rights? Maybe he wrote the Urban Dictionary post? Seems like the likely conclusion unless we want to believe that Chris secretly spends some nights in the West Village (if so, I’ll see you at the march on Sunday, Chris).

Chris is not a stumbling bumbling idiot that pounds beers all day. He is cultured. I will show you evidence as to how.

Chris ‘likes’ Alchemy Wine Productions. Maybe Mr. Brundage enjoys taking a glass of wine, sticking his nose in a glass, and huffing in the scent like he’s huffing gas fumes to get high because ecstasy no longer cuts it. Wine-o’s are some of the worst snobs out there. They can tell me the year and type of grapes used on a particular wine, but they cannot tell me the score of the Yankees game that day. Obnoxious.
Chris apparently thinks that the US needs to be involved with Shell oil spills in Nigeria. Frankly, I did not even know that there were oil spills in Nigeria, so goes to show how well versed I am on international affairs. I do not know how Chris found out about it. I think he meant to Google ‘Spilled My Nigerian Iced Tea While Wearing Shell Necklace at Ultra’. But hey, if it gets the kid involved in activism, let it be.
Chris allegedly reads Allure magazine. I said he was cultured, I just never specified which culture that would be. Allure is one of those magazines that has the same articles every month: how to get a better beach body, amazing sex tips to please your man, which hot anorexic model is dating a pro athlete. Each month they just change the number of terrible tips given out. I read a tip once that said for a woman to stack doughnuts on a man’s member, and then to eat the glazed goodies on their way to fellatio. My first reaction was, “No. Please, do not ever ever ever ever ever do that to a guy…ever.” Those tips are never realistic nor do they ever offer up advice for something realistic. One article said that a man should wait to cum until his woman achieves orgasm. I mean, come on. I do not have all day over here.

I have known Chris since grade school but I rarely had to interact with him. He has always been quite the athlete, always being a starter for whichever basketball or baseball team he played for. I was usually doing the stats book voluntarily just so I had something to do on the bench. Chris has always been very popular too. The pretty boy blonde is usually invited to most parties, since every Tampa student studies Partying 101 (second most popular major at U. Tampa? Philosophy. Aristotle mixed with Absolut). The world usually works out in the favor of pretty people. Being a taken man though, I am sure being out on the beach like that would get him in trouble with the girlfriend from time to time, what with girls always approaching him. He should name his abs ‘The Predicament’, since they lead him to be in pictures with girls in bikinis (and maybe in bed with girls with HPV).

Instead of listing his GPA on his resume, Chris could probably just put his abs on it and get a job.

I hate that attractive people are treated better than people like me. Prime example: Paris Hilton was caught with cocaine (again) and ended up with another probation. Now if they caught Susan Boyle with those drugs…she’d be on death row!

Chris is likable and fun, so who cares that his Tampa degree will be nearly laughable? The only people that will laugh at him for it will be the snobs from the smart schools that also consider a night of Scrabble with their friends from MeetUp.com to be a spanking good Friday night. He has a good head on his shoulders and a beautiful chick on his arm/cock. My dad never went to college and he turned out pretty good— granted, divorced with another crazy ex-girlfriend that tried to burn down his house as well as a thinning hairline. But still turned out successful and an awesome father. So Brundage should not be far off as he studies whatever it is that he studies at Tampa.

Chris has not been by one of my sister’s parties in recent memory and we never really spoke anyways. Chris is not like some of my sister’s other friends that constantly tell me they read my Twitter or my blog or watch my YouTube videos and tell me how funny they think I am. Chris does not jerk me off with compliments and I am feeling a little blue-balled. . So Chris, you are expelled from my Friends List and banished to a life of partying, having sex with beautiful women, and making money at a successful job. I’ll be telling jokes in basements to drunk people for $20. Take that, blondie!

Friend Count: 1153

Nicole Russini: Former Teenybopper Baller

Thu, 16 Jun 2011 12:43:00 -0400

In lieu of the Matt Liber post, I have decided to clear the Friends list of another grade school acquaintance. Unfortunately, this one who was way less of a jerk. I say ‘unfortunately’ because I would much rather come on here and justifiably call someone a ‘cunt’. This week’s UFAS is a beautiful former basketball (camp) star. But christ, I have not seen this girl since our 8th grade graduation (and after this post, it might be best that we keep it that way). Nicole Russini, you made the team! Team unFriended!

You have two (possibly) cute girls kissing you and your eyes are wandering off to where exactly???

Nicole and I went to Norwood Public School, a K-8 elementary school where you moved through each grade with the same 100 overprivileged kids from northern Bergen County. This is a disgusting area code where living on skid row means your family only makes $100,000 a year. It is the type of place where it is not uncommon for a girl to get a handbag from Canal St. and yell at her mom, “I don’t want a fake bag because I’m not a fake person! Now get me a real Louis Vutton and stop being so mean to me about it! I need it!” Need it. Yup. I learned that in biology class in 6th grade. The three essentials for human life: food, water, LV. I will give Nicole credit that she never appeared to be a brat or spoiled and always had a good head on her shoulders (except for that time she kissed Alex Bass on the lips, but really, who didn’t make that mistake?). But maybe that was because she was busy perfecting her left-handed lay-up.

Yes, Nicole was a child sports superstar. She was fast and athletic. Essentially, she was what my father wished I had been (don’t worry! that’s why he had another child, just in case his eldest turned out to be mildly athletic with love handles and a love for Cheeze Doodles). Nicole was on the 7th & 8th grade girls’ basketball team when she was in 6th grade and was coaches’ first picks at basketball camps. So she was kind of a big deal…when she was 12. When she arrived in high school, however, big (short) fish in a larger pond syndrome came about and reality settled in as she rode the varsity bench. It could be worse though. She could be a failed child acting star like Danny Bonaduce and get a crack-cocaine addiction and beat up a transvestite hooker. The worst that could have happened with someone like Nicole is that you end up an in-shape, very normal college girl and you get too drunk one night and fuck the wrong guy at a party. Note for future employers: if it is a tie between Nicole and someone else, keep in mind that you might need a shortstop for the company softball team.

So why am I unFriending Nicole? “Billy, is it because you are jealous of her fantastic body and athletic prowess?” I am, but that’s not why. Nicole is being cut from my Friends Team because aside from one of us accepting a friend request from the other, there has been no interaction between the two of us in 8 years. Yet, because of the digital connection, I can get a decent gist of what she has been up to. She just graduated from East Stroudsberg University in Pennsylvania. She studied Special Education. I have to hand it to those people that decide not to do regular teaching and do that line of work. I would never have the patience. I am all for her teaching children with special needs, although it pains me to lose out on the easy joke had she gone into Physical Ed. I think Jack Black said it best in School of Rock: “Those who can, do. And those who can’t, teach. And those who can’t teach, teach gym.”

In typical fashion, I trolled through her profile to find reasons to unFriend her so you people would not think I deleted her because she is short. Short people are perfectly fine to be friends with, I want everyone to know. Not all midgets are scary and bite.

Nicole lists Britney Spears & Hannah Montana as her favorite musical talents. Nicole seems like a sweetheart but could this be her inner badass reaching out by supporting batshit crazy loose cannon Disney stars like these two? Because she could not possibly like them for their music…
The only thing listed under ‘Books’ is Teaching. Grrr….it’s not a book. And the picture attached to it is of a couple of children drawing with crayons. So much for an East Stroudsberg education.
Kathy Griffen, the world’s most accomplished fag hag, is a favorite of Nicole’s, which means Nicole is not able to be a favorite of mine.
It is an interesting mix of shows in Nicole’s television favorites, none of which I am much of a fan of. Chelsea Lately, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and Man v. Food Nation. Three separate reality shows, each complete with its own resident fat personality.

Nicole does not have a whole lot on her profile and unfortunately does not have a slew of easily manipulatable or easily-captioned photos of herself. However, she is in countless photos with other beautiful women. I have plenty of hot friends who do nothing but post pictures of themselves with others in bikinis already. Frankly, I do not need anymore reminders of the countless 9’s and 10’s that I will never have the opportunity to contract HPV from.

So I must cut myself off from Nicole’s occasional NewsFeed update. For those of you who read this and think she is just a peach (she is, I think, but I just don’t know the broad anymore), you can add her here. I gave her 8 years to realize that I am an awesome friend/partyer/lay/comedian. She clearly missed out. Nicole, you will never know (and probably be happy you didn’t). Welcome to the unFriended All-Stars!

Friend Count: 1152