I am worried that this week’s UFAS might noogie me before gunning me down with an m60 assault rifle. I have not spoken to this young man since my freshman year of college when I was checking in on him via Facebook. Since then, I suppose he picked up a few issues of Men’s Fitness and linked up with some bros. Today he is a jacked up dude with a new-found disrespect for women. Derek Chen: sick traps, bro, but they will not be enough to keep you on my Friends list!

Watch out Mike Sorrentino! It’s the SituAsian!

I met Derek Chen in my senior year at boarding school. He was a sophomore on my wing in the dormitory. Derek was a shy kid and usually kept to his bedroom or the wing’s lounge, where there was an XBox 360. At this point, you may insert whichever stereotypical Asian joke regarding video games and anti-social behavior that you prefer (in writing this post, I put that there just for placement…then I failed to come up with one of my own so I leave it to my viewer, in a very David Chase way, to figure it out). He was a scrawny recluse with a troubled soul. Confronting him to clean his room for inspection or to get out of bed in the morning were potentially-hostile tasks. Why was I pretending to be his mother, you ask? At my school, the seniors were in charge of keeping the underclassmen in line, which included room inspection, wake-up, and keeping them from committing hate crimes during study hall. We had to exhibit concern for others and leadership over a school as seniors. That is a lot to lay on kids still figuring out how to trim their pubic hair properly.

Derek was an angry kid. He wrestled, which was probably an excellent place for him to get his anger out. I even remember one time, towards the end of the school year, he was so pissed at nothing that he just punched a hole in his closet door. Senioritis at most schools involves ignoring your homework and writing, “DOUCHEBAG,” on the chalkboard. Senioritis at my school meant saying, “I don’t give a shit about your life anymore!” So I called over a Junior and made him deal with it.

I have not spoken to Derek since the Fall of 2007 when our Facebook friendship began. Today, he is a completely different person. And it is this new, douchey “prophet of Brosciencetology” that I am unFriending this week. I mean, he is the type of idiot that woudl be a fan of both “I Delete FB Friends Who Use the F Word or N Word In Their Posts” as well as Letting Someone Know They’re A Cunt By Shouting ‘Cunt’ At The Cunt. That is like saying, “Everyone deserves equal rights no matter their skin color, religion, or sexual orientation. O yea, Maria! Yea, go make me a sandwich, you stupid bitch.” There are several reasons why the fakest of friendships with the fakest of self-esteems is ending today.

• He is the one and only follower of the seemingly new “Brosciencetology”. Many religions have their core philosophies. Christianity’s is, “turn the other cheek” (or “God hates fags”, depending on which translation you use). Judaism’s is, “Certainly! What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. That is the Torah.” Brosciencetology teaches, “talk shit, get hit.” I bought some protective headwear.
• Derek has many normal favorite activities, such as running, eating, sleeping, and Novak Djokovic. However, he also enjoys sexual harassment, failing (and, simultaneously, succeeding), cheating, and killing orphans. I am really not into those activities, since although I am kind of a jerk, I think killing orphans is where I draw the line. I prefer Making Fun of Orphans instead (yea, that is a Facebook page, but ‘Billy Procida’ is not…anyone else see a problem with this world?).
• He enjoys Thermogenics. I do not like that, because I do not know what that is, and that intimidates me. I also was not aware that bros knew anything that began with ‘thermo-’ or ended in ‘-genics’.

Derek was an average-to-underweight guy. Now he is “shredded”, as the sick bros would call it. Guys at the gym refer to their muscle-toned bodies and six-pack abs as “shredded”, “ripped”, and “cut up”. Why do bodybuilders refer to their perfectly sculpted bodies with words that describe something ruined? Are they maybe just describing their souls? “Yea man, my quads are so ripped and cut up right now. I can’t even feel the love of my father anymore.” This explains why all of his favorite athletes are body builders. He is a fan of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronnie Coleman, Dexter Jackson, and…Squirtle, from Pokémon. Blastoise, the jacked-up evolution of puny Squirtle, I thought, fit in better with the group. But I understand why Derek loves the teal-colored creature. Derek’s personal journey to HGH-fueled douchiness runs parallel to Pokémon #007. Squirtle got its ass kicked enough in battles to evolve into the second-level of his evolution tree that no one ever cared about, before harnessing that inner-rage to obtain two blast-cannons when it transforms into Blastoise. What I am trying to say is, somebody should check Chen’s closet for military-grade weaponry.

Facebook calls these ‘Athletes’. I say these are guys who need extra hobbies. At least Squirtle actually competed in Pokémon Stadium.

Might Derek be a sweet sick gnarly awesome bro-tastic addition to your Friends list? Tap the keg and send the friend request. You two can fist-bump each other while you DP a confused college co-ed after spotting each other at the gym.

• Do you like video games? You can get your headset on and play with Derek online, joining him in calling small children “cocksucking cunt-rags”. He loves games such as Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, Call of Duty: Black Ops Zombies, Battlefield: Bad Company, and Angry Birds. All of them shoot ‘em ups, although only one of them is absolutely adorable.
• Do you like Chinese food? O boy, he might be able to hook you up with some free eggrolls. He is the manager/ninja warrior gatekeeper of Sun Sun Chinese Restaurant. I do not enjoy doing racially stereotypical jokes, but Derek is making it intensely difficult. So instead of making a joke about Chinese accents and Chinese restaurants, I will simply state that it would not surprise me if Derek can’t drive.
• Amongst his favorite activities, Derek lists ‘Being an Asshole’. This one I actually like and I think this would bond the two of us. Then again, there is usually only room for one asshole in a gang or a threesome, and that spot is reserved for me. If you need a friend to point out the fat chick, and you have enough chubby white guys in your crew, Derek is a great fit for you!

Derek lets everyone know that “most things I say must be taken with a bucket of salt.” I have chosen to take his profile with a ton of kosher salt. I am all out of salt and now I have none left for my french fries (I will have to just sprinkle them with the tears from overusing Weight Watchers points). If you have enough salt for his friendship, add him. Me? I gave him 4 years of funny status updates, comedy show invites, and posted photos with other Hyde acquaintances. He was too busy lifting weights and studying the ways of the Bro (I imagine that involves observing college tailgating parties and taking notes on the physics of kegstands). Derek, be careful with the steroids. Your rage is bad enough as is. There is no need for another Virginia Tech-type shooting to trick people into being scared of Asian kids. Yes, Derek, yes we do.

Friend Count: 1076