I found what must be a descendant of the ancient Narcissus in my Friends list this week…or I just found a chick who is incredibly vain. This week’s UFAS thinks very highly of herself to the point that she thinks she is above Facebook (poppycock, I know!). She hardly ever uses it and admits that the only thing that tempts her back are silly game applications such as Family Feud, Wheel of Fortune, and other game shows-turned-shitty game applications that my grandmother watches. Her rare usage of social media makes her a prime example of a useless Facebook friend. CeCe Coppedge, if you would stop staring at your own reflection for a second, you would know that you have been unFriended! If you did not understand that allusion, you now know that you needed to pay more attention in class in high school!

This is both her Caring and Not Caring face.

I went to high school with CeCe for a couple of years, where the faculty knew her as Courtney. She preferred that we called her ‘CeCe’. She also preferred to refer to herself as ‘CeCe’. Using the 3rd person to refer to yourself is oftentimes obnoxious. I think it is just a way for special people to remember their own names. She was a discreetly bright girl (I say ‘discreetly’ because she knew she was intelligent, but not many others did), but sassy and lazy. It was very difficult for anyone to tell her what to do because she would commonly cop an attitude. It makes sense considering that her political view is quite simply, “I am the State.” I may be making leaps and bounds, but could this be an anarchistic statement? Might CeCe be a sleeper terrorist ready to organize the overthrow of the government in order to institute a Gucci-run matriarchy? Probably not. This girl is too damn lazy to organize anything but her closet.

The despicable thing about pretty people is they do not have to respect anyone— and they know it! CeCe is a tall, beautiful young woman from Brooklyn, New York. At first glance, she appears to be your average hip 21-year old student, but once you get to know her you will realize that she is a materialistic, self-centered hottie who pops her collar and criticizes people’s outfits in her spare time. Or at least that is how she frames herself to the digital population. She is a self-proclaimed narcissist, referring to herself in the third person during conversation. Normally, we view these people as full-of-themselves jerks. But to be honest, I am just happy that CeCe opened up a book and learned what a narcissist was in the first place. Maybe there was a day when she told her friend, “CeCe loves herself. CeCe Coppedge is the baddest bitch out there and everyone else should know that I know it. If only there was a word for a person like CeCe?” I like to think that before that friend became fed up with her and left, she handed CeCe a copy of, “The Portable Nietzsche” before giving her the finger.

Attractive individuals generally think that they can do whatever they want. Think about the gorgeous women that talk themselves out of speeding tickets, the hotties willing to bitch at customer service reps to cut the line, and the babes that go on television damning the fags (=cough=Bachmann=cough=) . Lindsay Lohan is in and out of courtrooms for stealing a necklace, but will never actually go to jail. But if Susan Boyle stole that jewelry…she would be on death row.

Her infatuation with the self is one of the reasons why CeCe is a worthless Facebook friend for me. However, there are several other reasons why I have to nix this narcissist:

• “About CeCe: don’t tell me your problems.” I thought that was what fake friends were for: complaining about something you do not care about or informing me of your recent accomplishments that I will take as an insecure form of bragging to prove that you are not still a loser after college.
• CeCe’s number one activity is Complaining. I was not sure how active complaining is, but since Quidditch has become a bonafide ‘sport’, I am sure complaining is about 7 years from becoming an Olympic event.
• Why must women take pictures of food they are about to eat and post them to Facebook? CoCo, a name I think is way more appropriate for Courtney, in her glorious return to the Zuckerberg-run medium has begun posting dinner set-ups and pictures of tasty food for us fat people to slobber over. Why? Are you starting a restaurant? Are you training to take pictures of french fries to be featured in cheap fried chicken joints in poor neighborhoods around the country? Then stop taking pictures of your food. I would only be impressed by these pictures if they were taken by an anorexic chick to show us what she turned down that day. “You denied yourself a brownie cannoli covered in chocolate syrup? Wow, you really do have ‘self-control’!”

  

  Ladies, all you do by posting these is let guys know that you know how to cook, which will at least let a guy know that you know some dope Pinterest recipes.

I hate people that need all of the attention. If everyone is paying attention to your shenanigans, how will anyone look at me?! It was not uncommon for CeCe to find a way to make an incident all about her, even if it were negative attention. At a track meet, she made such a fuss about running the 800m run, a two-lap race, that she made a joke out of it. She is barely moving before she finished her first lap! Now if we told her that a sale was about to end and that she could go as soon as she finished, she would have busted her ass. Note the popped-collar shirt under her singlet. I guess that is the latest fashion trend for the halfhearted?

Courtney took some time off from Facebooking. A girl with only 316 friends needs some welcoming back to social media addiction. Me? I am not an enabler, except when I force alcoholics to relapse at bars (if you can’t do a shot with me, you’re a pussy). Many of you should friend request her. I would say to “show her some love”, but this girl has so much love, her mother said, “I love you,” and she replied, “Don’t bother. I’ve got plenty.” While CeCe has been busy fawning over herself, she has forgotten to show love to me online. No Facebook comments, no retweets, and no naked pictures. Courtney has taken me for granted as a fake friend. So it is time to say goodbye to a girl who is not even listening. CeCe, BiBi is done with this and is sending you up to Mt. UFAS to rule with the other unFriended All-Star Gods!

Friend Count: 1079