6 Must-Do Tweaks for New Facebook Timeline -
The new Facebook Timeline will give someone a better feel for who a Facebook user is. The newest layout for the ever-changing Facebook (sort of like Britney Spears’s marital status) features a Tumblr-esque rolling view of a user’s history, everything from pictures posted to past status updates (and who can forget a good ‘poke’?). Although these were possible to find by consistently scrolling down someone’s Facebook wall, and even then your findings were incomplete, the infinite scrolling feature will make digging into someone’s history far simpler.
As much as this new design will aid me in getting a feel for future UFAS, here is a good preparation article to help hide Ghosts of Facebook Past. I do not personally believe in hiding embarrassing posts and pictures. My belief is that you should not be doing things that you may not be proud of, and if you do, to own them like an adult. If you do not realize the severity of putting words and pictures on the Internet, maybe you are not responsible enough to be on a social networking site. Very similarly, my youngest sister cannot handle an iPhone for a whole month without breaking it, so getting an expensive BMW as a first car may not be the smartest decision my parents ever made. The only times I hide posts are when others post things on my wall that I do not approve of or when I have multiple posts of a similar topic, and I simply wish to remove the ‘clutter’ on my wall. However, many of you will still wish to hide cute, silly updates from an old relationship or that article about how to prepare for anal sex that you shared in college which you would not wish for your peers to find (no one wants to go back to being called Anal Andy). Check out this article to help hide the real, ridiculous you!
These are not the only reasons I will unFriend someone, but they are certainly contributing factors.
I am worried that this week’s UFAS might noogie me before gunning me down with an m60 assault rifle. I have not spoken to this young man since my freshman year of college when I was checking in on him via Facebook. Since then, I suppose he picked up a few issues of Men’s Fitness and linked up with some bros. Today he is a jacked up dude with a new-found disrespect for women. Derek Chen: sick traps, bro, but they will not be enough to keep you on my Friends list!
Watch out Mike Sorrentino! It’s the SituAsian!
Woman Burns Friend's House Down After Being unFriended -
I recently stocked up on fire extinguishers.
This week’s unFriended All-Star comes from the Hause of Bloodline. This fashion-forward, GaGa-esque, young black entrepreneur has been too busy designing moronic sunglasses than to be participating on my Facebook wall. This stepping Brooklynite designer was a one-hit wonder in the friendship department. He has since moved over to the Accessories Department. Kareem Youngblood, you’ve got too much style for my Friends list. You’re making me look bad!
Kareem’s hair is mixed-race: 1/2 Chris Brown, 1/2 prison inmate
I found what must be a descendant of the ancient Narcissus in my Friends list this week…or I just found a chick who is incredibly vain. This week’s UFAS thinks very highly of herself to the point that she thinks she is above Facebook (poppycock, I know!). She hardly ever uses it and admits that the only thing that tempts her back are silly game applications such as Family Feud, Wheel of Fortune, and other game shows-turned-shitty game applications that my grandmother watches. Her rare usage of social media makes her a prime example of a useless Facebook friend. CeCe Coppedge, if you would stop staring at your own reflection for a second, you would know that you have been unFriended! If you did not understand that allusion, you now know that you needed to pay more attention in class in high school!
This is both her Caring and Not Caring face.
Adam Toback, although not enjoying my unFriended All-Stars, has embraced the unFriending spirit to create his own set of castaways and apparently I am the team captain! I am glad that Adam has taken the message of this blog to heart by deleting me as a Facebook friend. Not just because we rarely speak (it has been about 2 or 3 years) but because he disagrees with my posts that show up on his newsfeed. Kudos to you, Adam!
I encourage anyone else that does not see the point in keeping me around as a mere digital acquaintance to delete me from their Friends list, too! But first, let me know why! Post on my wall your qualms, your disagreements, your ire, then click that magical ‘delete’ button!
While you are at it, if you do not like me, you might like Adam Toback! So give him a shout since he might need someone to fill in my old space.
Friend Count: 1073
unFriended All-Stars is back and we (I) return with a profile that makes me want to vomit. She is just that adorable! Many of us know that guy or girl who is such an awesome person: they volunteer, smile a lot with their friends, are in a committed long-term relationship, and love grandma. Many of us heathens hate that person just as much as we admire them. This week’s UFAS is one of those disgustingly admirable individuals. Nicole Montes: a fall from Grace is necessary, if Grace is my Friends list…or a cliff.
Stretching? Yoga? The Kama Sutra calls this one the Folded Deck Chair.
Ever think to yourself, “Wow, who are these 3,000 friends of mine on Facebook?” I did. I thought to myself, “There is no way I am this popular.” Why would so many people want to be friends with me? I am kind of an asshole, I am needy, and my love handles can throw off any group photo’s composition. I simply have too many friends on Facebook that I do not actually know and this Pokemon-esque “gotta catch ‘em all” style of hoarding friends has elevated to a level of irresponsiblity. It is not far off from the olden days of MySpace where 300,000 friends gave a person bragging rights on the Internet. Today, the bragging is so post-modern, it’s about how many friends you have that you do not even know that makes you the champ in conversation.
There has been some backlash recently, mainly from a few of the UFAS. I have always been willing to talk to someone about their post if they contact me. Sometimes I have been able to make changes, such as with Dana M., who calmly called me to talk about her specific issues within the post. Sometimes, I am threatened with lawsuits that do not hold water, such as with Chris B., who wanted the post down or he would sue me for slander (later, I explained that he meant ‘libel’). The saddest responses have been when parents of adults would call my parents about the blog. It is sad, because my parents did not write the posts; I did. And since all parties involved are over the age of 15, it is pathetic that someone’s parents would try to take care of it. So if you have a problem with me or my blog, call me. With just a little bit of Google magic, you can find my email, my Twitter, and my phone number (and possibly naked pictures of me). There is no need to call the local Cheif of Police, since he cannot really do much either. Be an adult and call me. To my readers, thanks for reading and keep checking in. Sorry I’ve been on hiatus, but I was driving around the country doing stand-up. I owe ya’ll some very funny unFriending.