December 2011
5 posts
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6 Must-Do Tweaks for New Facebook Timeline →
The new Facebook Timeline will give someone a better feel for who a Facebook user is. The newest layout for the ever-changing Facebook (sort of like Britney Spears’s marital status) features a Tumblr-esque rolling view of a user’s history, everything from pictures posted to past status updates (and who can forget a good ‘poke’?). Although these were possible to find by...
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Derek Chen: Asian, Armed, & Dangerous
I am worried that this week’s UFAS might noogie me before gunning me down with an m60 assault rifle. I have not spoken to this young man since my freshman year of college when I was checking in on him via Facebook. Since then, I suppose he picked up a few issues of Men’s Fitness and linked up with some bros. Today he is a jacked up dude with a new-found disrespect for women. Derek...
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Woman Burns Friend's House Down After Being... →
I recently stocked up on fire extinguishers.
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Kareem Youngblood: Varying Fashionista
This week’s unFriended All-Star comes from the Hause of Bloodline. This fashion-forward, GaGa-esque, young black entrepreneur has been too busy designing moronic sunglasses than to be participating on my Facebook wall. This stepping Brooklynite designer was a one-hit wonder in the friendship department. He has since moved over to the Accessories Department. Kareem Youngblood, you’ve...
November 2011
1 post
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CeCe Coppedge: Nihilistic Nuisance
I found what must be a descendant of the ancient Narcissus in my Friends list this week…or I just found a chick who is incredibly vain. This week’s UFAS thinks very highly of herself to the point that she thinks she is above Facebook (poppycock, I know!). She hardly ever uses it and admits that the only thing that tempts her back are silly game applications such as Family Feud, Wheel...
October 2011
4 posts
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Nicole Montes: Wholesome Yogi
unFriended All-Stars is back and we (I) return with a profile that makes me want to vomit. She is just that adorable! Many of us know that guy or girl who is such an awesome person: they volunteer, smile a lot with their friends, are in a committed long-term relationship, and love grandma. Many of us heathens hate that person just as much as we admire them. This week’s UFAS is one of those...
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When Facebook Meets Hoarders
Ever think to yourself, “Wow, who are these 3,000 friends of mine on Facebook?” I did. I thought to myself, “There is no way I am this popular.” Why would so many people want to be friends with me? I am kind of an asshole, I am needy, and my love handles can throw off any group photo’s composition. I simply have too many friends on Facebook that I do not actually...
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There has been some backlash recently, mainly from a few of the UFAS. I have always been willing to talk to someone about their post if they contact me. Sometimes I have been able to make changes, such as with Dana M., who calmly called me to talk about her specific issues within the post. Sometimes, I am threatened with lawsuits that do not hold water, such as with Chris B., who wanted the post...
August 2011
1 post
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Chris Casanova: Lackadaisical Loser
Join this week’s unFriended All-Star and over 1 million others in Not Giving a Fuuck on Facebook. I seriously am shocked that pages like these exist, especially that only a million people ‘like’ it, because I believe that there are well over a million people that don’t give a ‘fuuck’ about spelling. The ‘About’ of this page properly describes this...
July 2011
6 posts
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Morgan Block: Uniquely Sane Tischie
Any college girl’s online dating profile says, “I love movies.” Well this week’s addition to the unFriended All-Stars really loves movies. Or more accurately, she loves film (people I don’t love? the ones that correct you with ‘film’ when you say ‘movies’). This Tischie is all about being an individual and independent of the mainstream media...
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Ty Longland: Laxing Liftmaster
This week’s UFAS is so into the outdoors and nature that I am surprised he has a Facebook in the first place. But it is nearly impossible to not have a profile on the social networking giant today, as even my favorite bum on Broadway and Astor Place has a Facebook profile. This guy loves snowboarding and watching sunsets, which explains why he has not had time to chat it up with me online....
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Jamie Yen: Asian Ginger
My faithful (and adulterous) readers, there is a grave new type of human amongst us. There have been vampires, werewolves, and Republicans. I regret to inform you that there is a shocking, new hybrid that exists: the Asian Ginger. The Gingian is a new breed that has risen up with the aid of mystical hair dyes and a need for individuality. This week’s unFriended All-Star is an example of what...
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Jonathan Schrader: Sporty Samaritan
‘NYU’ and ‘Athletics’ should never be in the same sentence together. My alma mater is a large university of over 40,000 undergrads with one of the most expensive tuitions in the country, yet we only have a mere Division III sports program. I mean, our best sport is fencing, which when you think about it, makes sense for NYU: two men slapping each other with their sticks....
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I Stand Corrected: Edits Made to My Shitty...
A gracious, yet anonymous and uncreative, reader has made me aware of my shitty research and incorrect generalizations made about some bullet points in this week’s blog post about Chloe McCarthy: AWOL American. Let’s go over what was said with gofuckyourself@gmail.com’s (emailed him and for some reason it returned undeliverable…did I type the address wrong?) edits in...
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Litigious Lesson for Pretty Boy Partier
Last week’s UFAS
Do you know what ‘slander’ is?
What I Wanted To Say
Yes, I do. Apparently you don’t, since you mean to say ‘libel’. Maybe if you knew the difference between the two you wouldn’t be at University of Tampa!
But I restrained myself and just said, ‘Yes. I do.’ I’m such a wuss.
June 2011
5 posts
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Chloe McCarthy: AWOL American
Patriots say, ‘These colors don’t run.’ They do if you’re Chloe McCarthy, our latest unFriended All-Star. I think we should take a look at what caused Chloe to get ousted from the U.S. and exiled from my Friends list.
This sexy cougar-in-training is a cup size away from being an extra in a Katy Perry video.
I have always had a thing for older women. It is an interesting...
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Chris Brundage: Pretty Boy Partier
There is a place that pretty people go to have a good time and live care free. No, I am not talking about the vacation island from Scooby Doo, although this week’s unFriended All-Star does kind of look like Freddie Prinze Jr. from that flick. When kids do not have the ability to spend their college careers in the cold, academic airs of Harvard or Yale, they head on down to the warm and sunny...
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Nicole Russini: Former Teenybopper Baller
In lieu of the Matt Liber post, I have decided to clear the Friends list of another grade school acquaintance. Unfortunately, this one who was way less of a jerk. I say ‘unfortunately’ because I would much rather come on here and justifiably call someone a ‘cunt’. This week’s UFAS is a beautiful former basketball (camp) star. But christ, I have not seen this girl...
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Matt Liber: Fat Camper
Imagine the main character from Heavyweights, but make him a bit of a jerk and imagine he grew up to wear popped-collar pastels. Now you have Matt Liber, this week’s unFriended All-Star! I have a weight/asshole combination limit for my Facebook friends and Matt, you’re over it! Either lose some weight or be a nicer guy.
If the girlfriend thing doesn’t work out, being a bear in...
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Honorary UFAS →
No unFriended All-Stars this week (it was my birthday, leave me alone). Instead, I give you an entire website of idiots who actually believe the articles from The Onion. Seriously, there are a lot of Plan B’s that should have been taken out of this bunch. After reading this, I want to start a foundation that raises money for birth control for stupid women and dick amputation for dumb men....
May 2011
6 posts
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Eric Basi: Baby Daddy
This week’s unFriended All-Star is part of the “I Gots A Baby Mama” club. Yes, someone gave this child a kid. When he is not with the baby or taking pictures of him and his boys smoking weed, you can find Eric at the club with other babies’ mamas. This born Bostonian gets free bottle service at the UFAS table, so long as he shaves off that ridiculous goatee.
I have a...
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Lauren Lashua: Passionate Pittsburghian
I want to wish this week’s UFAS a happy birthday! Her present? Not having to see my hilarious tweets flooding her NewsFeed anymore! Hope your birthday was a great one and I hope you enjoy your newfound freedom from my socially mediated life.
Lauren battles Plan B with a Rambo-style bandolier of cheap NYC condoms.
Lauren Lashua, like myself, just graduated from New York University this...
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Pete Giordano: Gnarly Nihilist
Who is this week’s unFriended All-Star? “Who cares?”, would be his answer. Petey Giordano’s attitude is, “Fuck it,” so I said, “Fuck it,” and deleted him from my Friends list.
3rd grade haircut accompanied by a 3rd grade juice box.
I met Mr. Giordano at my boarding school when we both arrived in 2003. He was a few years older than I so we did not...
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Brigette Cohan: Country Clubber
Brigette Cohan has plenty of personality, a cheerful demeanor, and no body image problems at all, so already I am resentful. Brigette, you can go smile and be happy and popular on someone else’s Friends list. I will have none of that here! Go hang out with the others at the UFAS house on Sorority Row.
If you look close enough, you can see the ginger freckles and plans of world...
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Use your privacy settings, children. Some... →
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Dan Eskow: Jersey Jerk
This week I unFriend a fellow New Jersey native, Dan Eskow. The former Delta Sigma Epsilon brother (yes! frat boy jokes to come!) was the typical internally-struggling insecure bully in high school. He has not tried to “cyberbully” me since our September 2007 online connection occurred but our ‘friendship page’ is also entirely blank. Yo bro, you’re unFriended!
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April 2011
8 posts
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A Positive Attitude Towards Being unFriended
I hope every unFriended All-Star can adopt this attitude when realizing they have failed in displaying their utility as my Facebook friend. Don’t get angry; post GIFs. If you know me, do not follow my instructions for this guy. Allow me to change my story for you and say, “Violence is not the answer (when it involves my ass being kicked).”
It’s funny when I notice people...
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Dana Marmo: Dishonest Dame
Have you ever dated someone, met their hot best friend, and tried to convince your significant other to get that person in bed with you two? Uh, yea. Me neither…This week’s cute Catholic unFriended All-Star is currently celebrating Easter. I see today as just another Sunday with a new UFAS! (although I can not wait for my favorite holiday tomorrow: Discounted Chocolate Eggs Monday)
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RJ Young Writes: You Would Not Want to Be my...
RJ Young is warning you: you would not enjoy being his Facebook friend. In a recent post on his blog, he describes what he uses his Facebook profile for and why this may upset or annoy the average droneless cultureless (the words I put in his mouth, not mine) Facebook user. I support his claim to being a pointless addition to my Friends list. Let us take a look at this author’s reasoning for...
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Scott Harper: Dumbass Daredevil
This week, a kid who jumped off the balcony at Yankee Stadium jumps off my Friends list. Scott Harper, known on AIM as mcnonexistent (fitting, for an MC none of you would have otherwise known existed), can enjoy this post in sunny California while I bitterly write in the rainy weather of New York City.
Normally, this style of picture contains a cute girl in a small dress with strands of hair in...
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Craig Leidner: A Rab Hater
IMAGINE HAVING 2 C FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ALL DAY LYKE DIS! ANNOYIN @S SH!T RIGHTTTTT?!?!?! I will be raising money for this week’s unFriended All-Star to fix the Caps Lock key on his phone, from which he consistently sends in mobile updates like this. If you stop seeing posts every Sunday, it is probably because this ‘gangster’ UFAS has put a hit out on me. Well, Craig...
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Corey Constable's Plea for Pals
I know it is not Sunday but this is not your usual unFriended All-Star. This fellow does not come from my Facebook friends list. I found his self-important solicitation for Facebook friends on his Tumblr and thought I could help him promote his profile. Here is the original post.
I have 16 friend requests just sitting there.
cocodahaole:
If you would like to add to that number, feel free to...
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Chase Pearson: Retail Royalty
He can ring you up. He can look for a different size. He can gift wrap it for you. Chase Pearson does it all. He also managed to become this week’s unFriended All-Star!
The only use I had left for Chase was to get him to introduce me to Captain Planet (he’s our hero!).
Before I get into Chase, I want to bring up the summer of 2007. I had just graduated high school and during that...
March 2011
8 posts
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Creepers Who Add Me On Facebook:
dani-thinks:
I See A New Friend Request On Facebook, It Makes Me Go: Then I See That I Have No Idea Who This Person Is:
I give them the benefit of the doubt since we have mutual friends, perhaps I forgot our encounter, so I message them asking how we met:
They Respond:
My Response:
After I Get Over My Initial Reaction, I’m Forced To Respond:
Dear Creepers:
Perfect explanation of...
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Mike Sheen: Heavy Metal Investor
Today I decided to write the post before the basketball games, so when upsets happen, I do not take it out on the UFAS like I did last week. Today I unfriend a future multi-millionaire business student. I thought twice about this week’s selection because I’m going to be begging him for change in about five years. But at the same time, he’ll probably be one of the hedge fund guys...
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Jeremy Rothschild: Uninspired & unFriended
Two weeks ago, I used all of my frat boy jokes when I unFriended Jee Choi. Luckily, this week’s UFAS is not your typical fraternity brother, so I will not have to come up with more ways to insult Greek life. No, Jeremy Rothschild has other traits that qualified him as the next near-stranger to be cast out of Paradise (I like to think of my Friends list as a 5-star hotel in Miami).
If...
Justifying My Asshole-ry →
Guyism posted an article stating the 7 reasons why you need to go through your friend list and unFriend some useless (and potentially dangerous) ‘friends’. Not dangerous like “I’m going to find your address and chop you up” dangerous (that’s what Craigslist is for), but socially and romantically. It’s a fun, light-hearted way of justifying what I write...
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Kim Tuttle: Miss Teen of Oklahoma '08, UFAS '11
Our unFriended All-Star this week is currently on a week-long cruise in the Caribbean, so I feel little remorse with this post while I am stuck in the cold bi-polar weather of New York City. Hopefully, she will catch a tan this week because she is the only person I know that matches my translucent skin tone. Kim Tuttle, I hope you make some friends on that cruise because you are losing one very...
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February 2011
7 posts
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Evan Marx: An Old Soul
This week’s UFAS is a really, really nice guy, total gentleman, soon-to-be-successful person…but ultimately useless Facbeook friend. Evan Marx: you’re fired.
Director in action? Secret plaid-wearing agent? Nope. unFriended All-Star!
I was on a second date with a girl when I was introduced to this week’s human disinterest piece. We met up with two friends of hers for...
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Adam Towle: Asshole All-Star We Love To Do Shots...
You’re next unFriended All-Star is a hell of a guy and the life of the party…so it almost (it doesn’t, but almost does) pain me to put this falling out Facebook friendship to death. Adam Towle: you are artificially useless to me.
Ben Stiller is making a sequel to Simple Jack, Simple Adam.
Adam is a wonderful cross between PCU’s Jeremy Piven character, Droz, and Blutarsky...
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MJ Weintraub: From Bad Dress to Bad-Ass
There have been great MJ’s in this world: Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson, Mary Jane from Spiderman. Our newest unFriended All-Star not only missed being on the list of great MJ’s but has failed to remain on my list of Facebook friends. MJ Weintraub, you are out!
Although I fully support Gyffindor and Quidditch fans, I cannot support this Harry Potter extra
As we attempt to...
AJ Marechal Calls Me Naughty and Hilarious →
ajmarechal:
I’m welcoming to Tumblr world two of my close friends, whose blogs fall on opposite sides of the naughty/nice spectrum but both deserve publicity from my rambling bogus blog anyhow. There is Danielle, a close friend from high school, who just started the cute.quaint.cozy blog that is devoted to…
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Michael Gonzalez: Silent Raver
This week at UFAS (new viral abbreviation? make that shit cool like ‘omfg’), we say good-bye to Michael Gonzalez
It pains me to unfriend one of the characters from Dance Dance Revolution
Who is Mr. Gonzalez? Lets take a look, since I’m not too sure either (reason number one he’s got to go). He is a New Jersey native from Mount Laurel born on August 16th. His age is...
